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How to Turn Water to Wine - Part 2



26-03-2024 14:58 GMT


Indie Music Press Releases (March 2024) - Discover the best emerging, underground & upcoming Hip Hop artists, bands & labels with news updates announcing the latest music releases, live events/gigs, concert/tour dates, & other entertainment stories, articles & headlines from your favorite indie Hip Hop performers & entertainers daily on SRL News.
Music industry update | Mississippi, USA | Indie artist, Coolidge

The title of this article is “How to Turn Water to Wine, Part 2”. Look in the browser address bar and you’ll see. The second title just above, inside the page relates to the music news story we’ll be exploring today, during the course of this article. This is the case with most articles on SRL News and SRL Reviews. If that’s confusing, then this article may be too complex for you, please don’t read it or your head may explode. 

My girlfriend’s boyfriend is so annoying. He’s always doing weird stuff like texting in the middle of the night to say silly things like “I miss you” and “wish you were here with me”. What a douche! Doesn’t he work?

Anyway, last night as I was writing this article, the long awaited follow-up to my previous article “How to Turn Water to Wine – Part 1”; he texted while she was fast asleep. And yes, you guessed right, I had just waved my enormous magic wand on her (wink, wink). I hate to brag but I knocked her f*cking socks off like it was her birthday - or Jesus's birthday for that matter. She went straight to sleep right after the "baby shower" (wink, wink) without saying a word - she didn’t even wipe it off or take a bath or anything. I was amazing! 

But anyway, where were we? Ah, yes; her stupid boyfriend. He texted in the middle of the night while I was writing, so I texted him back pretending to be her and said “I’m on my period”. He replied, “OMG [excited face emoji], I’m on the way”. I know, what a sicko right? Not the response I was expecting obviously, so I panicked. I quickly texted back: “no, don’t come”. He replied: “you know I love it when you tell me not to cum [cheeky smiley face emoji]”. I replied: “I’m serious, I won’t open the door”. He replied, “I’ve got a key remember? Anyway I’m already downstairs”. Next thing, there was a knock on the door. And to tell you what a douchebag he is, he literally says “knock, knock” when he knocks on a door. To cut a long story short, here’s a knock, knock joke I knew you’d enjoy: 

“Knock, knock!!”
“Who’s there?”
“It’s Me”
“Me who?”
“Yes Me, Gǔn kāi (F*ck off)!!!! Dǎkāi mén (Open the door)!!!!”

Did I mention he’s Chinese? He-he-he. Yep, His name is literally Me Hu, I don’t know how you spell it in Chinese, but that’s his name. I’m not racist, I promise; but to be honest with you I don’t know if he’s Chinese, Japanese, or Vietnamese - I really don't know how to tell the difference. Every time we get together, all we do is drink saké and eat really spicy food till my butt hole starts cooking. I always forget not to eat too much of it,  everything tastes so amazing after too many sakés.

Okay let’s get to the serious stuff now, “How to Turn Water to Wine – Part 2”; and then we’ll get to the music news story of the day. 

A quick reminder, the title inside this page, just above the photo is the news story we’ll be discussing; and the title in the address bar is the actual title of this article which the news story is inside. Again, as I mentioned in the previous article; if that seems complicated to you, you are not ready for this. Close it and look around. Start in the mirror, and notice how there is two of everything – and everything has two parts. 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 nostrils, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 brains – (😕) I know what you are thinking, you thought it was just one ey? See why I told you you weren’t ready for this article if you were confused about the titles? Well now you know. Yes, they seem to be fused into one, because you’ve got only one head (I hope?🤣); but those two halves do very different things; so different in fact, that I like to consider them as two separate entities. It gives me more clarity and it makes me feel really special as well. In this article we’ll be making use of both brains, so buckle up because I may say something really intelligent that you’ve never heard before sometimes; and then not explain it. If you don’t understand anything, it’s because, you, like most people, use only one of your brains most of the time – I like to use both, so one doesn’t get tired or feel left out. If I say something you don't understand, don't panic, just rest assured that your other brain understands completely and will reveal the meaning to you when you are more likely to understand.  If you are wondering why I instructed you to drink 6 extra glasses of water everyday later on in this article, well now you know - your head could severely overheat and stuff could get damaged - It feels amazing to know the future doesn't it? Don't get too excited yet, it could start to feel a little weird soon. I'm telling you the future right now so that you can think backwards to now. That's how we're going to approach this whole experiment, thinking backwards, from the wine to the water. Remember when you looked in the mirror a few minutes ago? Did you realise that the mirror was also looking into you? So in fact you weren't really looking at yourself but into yourself? Now, you be the water and assume the mirror is the wine. There is an old African saying that goes: "Water no get enemy". It's pidgin English which translates to "Water has no enemies". Throughout the course of this experiment, you must be water. Water doesn't give a f*ck who's drinking it, if it's being drunk well, if it's being treated well, if you love it, if you hate it, if you stole it, if you peed it onto somebody after drinking it, if you were drinking it from somebody's peepee, if you pee in swimming pools and at the beach, if you are a wicked person, if you are kind, if you killed a man, if you eat way too much ass or even if you worship the devil. You must be exactly like that - completely and utterly indifferent, not just to the deeds of all mankind but to any and everything you encounter in the world around you right now. General amnesty towards yourself and everyone in the entire universe is the first key that will unlock the door to success in this little project of ours. Yes, you must forgive yourself too. There are many times when you haven't been awesome and you haven't lived up to your expectations or achieved your goals; and you MUST forgive yourself right now. In fact, stop reading and say it. SAY IT DAMN IT! "I forgive me". This is really important. Now also say: "I forgive them". Now say: "I am free". And then lastly: "Everybody is free". You must do this very regularly, because let's face it, now that you know how important general amnesty is in achieving your goals, there'll probably be an asshole with a cheeky smile on their face waiting to test you every corner you turn. If you can't be water, forget about the wine. Now, close your eyes. What do you see? And don't say nothing, surely you must see something. And don't say black, that's crazy talk. Okay what if I asked you in a different way: "What are you looking at?"... I see this is getting nowhere so I'm gonna get my colleague "The Imagination Guy" in here to help you answer that question a little bit later, probably in the next instalment of this series - it is another key to achieving our goal. Oh snap! I just realised I didn't introduce myself, in case you are new here. I'm "The Ideas Guy", probably the most exciting guy you'll ever meet, but whatever. Thanks for coming, the pleasure is all yours. 

Okay let’s dive in. I’m assuming you’ve already got your empty bottle of wine, right? If you haven’t, get one. Now, you’ll need 6 small wine glasses. Line them up side by side on a table or in a cabinet you never use, the bottle first and then the glasses. Make sure it’s somewhere no one else will see them, because they’ll start asking weird questions. Fill the glasses with water and leave the bottle empty. Now let's name them to make it more fun. Start from the right to the left, going backwards from the last glass to the bottle. Name them 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and then the bottle, 9. Now shut the door and go away. Lock it if you have a key. 

Take a very deep breath. Now hold it. Keep holding it. Keep pulling in, even when you feel there’s nothing left to stretch. Keep going. Keep going. I hope you are not a smoker. Keep going. Now stop! If you are not sure you did it right, look for a mirror and turn to the side. You should look like an 18 year old hottie with really perky breasts, and you may also be making really wide crazy eyes like Nicky Minaj or even making a duck face like Kim Kardashian, but don’t worry, that’s normal. But wait, don’t exhale. Hold all that awesome oxygen in your body so it can circulate in your two awesome brains. Now breath out. Keep going. Keep going. Don’t stop yet. Keep going even when you feel like your lungs are totally empty. Keep going. If you are a smoker, you are probably already smelling things you smoked way before you were a teenager. Keep going. Okay stop. If you are not sure you have done it right, go back to the mirror again and look. You’ll look like Tom when Jerry has gone too far and he’s about to go and retaliate by doing something really sinister to him. You’re ready. 

In the next article we’ll get started. In the meantime, do this breathing exercise every day, many times a day so that your two brains are primed and ready to go when it’s time. You must also drink at least 6 small glasses of water every day until we meet here again okay? Not the ones you filled earlier on, obviously. Don’t touch those, leave them alone. Don’t even check on them or even look at them – leave them alone. And remember, don’t show anybody or tell anybody about them either, not even your best friend. Don’t worry, you can tell Jesus – he’s cool. In fact, to be honest with you, I’d be surprised if he didn’t ask you about them in a dream. You must say this and only this in response to his question: “Everything is exactly as it should be, thank you”. Don’t ask how I know what he’ll ask you, just memorise the answer 'kay? Just in case. Lastly, but most importantly, you’ll be required to perform a very simple yet 100% impossible task to the average human being before the next time we meet. Go down to your local high street and buy yourself one black sheet of A4 paper and a white pinpoint pen. You must not ask anybody for help finding it, walk down the street and into stores and search for it yourself. Don’t tell anyone what you are looking for, even if they offer their help. And don’t try to be a wise guy about it either – don’t buy a white sheet and paint it black; or don’t buy Tippex or a marker or crayon and call it a pen. The task is very possible - it is there and you will find it if you believe it is somewhere in a shop on your local high street, yet sadly, 99.9% of people will fail this task, so don’t beat yourself up about it. All that’s important is that you try really hard to find it and believe it is there somewhere – you must KNOW that someone, somewhere has them on their shelves, and is just waiting for you to come in and get them. Don’t tell anyone about this task either, just do it. Good luck with it. 

Now, let’s explore the music news story of the day. 

”Perfect Timing”, the new single by Jackson, Mississippi, US independent hip hop sensation Drevo Coolidge was announced just in time to premiere at this year’s SXSW music and arts festival which has taken place during the month of March in Austin, Texas, USA every year since 1987. Showcasing some of the world’s most exciting and new musicians, bands and producers; and bringing together fans and music industry professionals under one roof for a whopping 6 days for the purpose of exploration, discussion, discovery, networking and celebration of music, film and other media interests; it has become one of the most exciting events of its kind in recent times. This year, it commenced on the 11th of March and featured more than 200 acts from around the world including 250 (Seoul, South Korea), The Sully Band (San Diego, CA), Dumb Buoys Fishing Club (London, UK-England), NeOne Wonderer (Wolverhampton UK-England), Jon Muq (Austin, TX), YHWH Nailgun (New York, NY), LAIR (Jatiwangi, Indonesia), This Is Lorelei (New York, NY), Robby Hecht (Nashville, TN), Sam Williams (Paris, TN), Jack Barksdale (Fort Worth, TX), Laura Misch (London, UK-ENGLAND), Native Harrow (Brighton, UK-England), Jaimee Harris (Nashville, TN), Rodeo Boys (Lansing, MI), Delights (Manchester UK-England), Seafoam Walls (Miami, FL), Fust (Durham, NC), Elisapie (Salluit, Canada), Malugi (Berlin, Germany), Daydream Twins (Austin, TX), JFDR (Reykjavík, Iceland), Benjamin Walker (Chile, Mexico), poolblood (Toronto, Canada), SNACKTIME (Philadelphia, PA), HMS Morris (Cardiff, UK-Wales), Mia June (Perth, Australia), Styrofoam Winos (Nashville, TN), GRÓA (Reykjavik, Iceland), rEDOLENT (Edinburgh UK-Scotland), Vulva Voce (Manchester, UK-England), DICE (Perth, Australia), May Rio (Brooklyn, NY), Danny Bonilla (Dallas, TX), Chelsea Carmichael (London, UK-England), Venus Twins (Brooklyn, NY), BLK JKS (Johannesburg, South Africa), Night Lunch (Montreal, Canada), Laney Tripp (New Smyrna Beach, CA), The Psychotic Monks (Saint-Ouen, France), Certainly So (Nashville, TN), Mick Flannery (Cork, Ireland), Chalk (Belfast, UK-N. Ireland), Sofia Kourtesis (Berlin, Germany), Alexander Biggs (Melbourne, Australia), Sui Zhen (Melbourne, Australia), Jeannel (Berlin, Germany), The Rare Occasions (Los Angeles, CA), NOBRO (Montreal, Canada), Lindsay Beaver & Brad Stivers (Austin, TX), Ho99o9 (Newark, NJ), The XCERTS (Aberdeen, UK-Scotland), Iona Zajac (Glasgow, UK-Scotland), Meagre Martin (Berlin, Germany), HIEN (Budapest, Hungary), Los Cogelones (Mexico, Mexico), Ellie Bleach (London, UK-England), dust (Newcastle, Australian), San Gabriel (Austin, TX), Afternoon Bike Ride (Montreal, Canada), The Manatees (Southampton, UK-England), Omni (Atlanta, GA), Grandbrothers (Berlin, Germany), Caleb Landry Jones (Garland, TX), Axel Flóvent (Reykjavik, Iceland), Emma Aibara (Yokohama, Japan), Gruff Rhys (Cardiff, UK-Wales), Kali Claire (London UK-England), Sinkane (Brooklyn, NY), Glasser (New York, NY), Fat Dog (London, UK-Englan), Blue Lake (Copenhagen, Denmark), Bloomsday (Brooklyn, NY), twst (Barry, UK-Wales), Zheani (Brisbane, Australia), Lisa Morales (Austin, TX), Jon Vinyl (Toronto, Canada), HighSchool (Melbourne, Australia), Holly Macve (Brighton, UK-England), Jad Fair and the Placebos (Manor, TX), Bess Atwell (Brighton, UK-England), Tamera (London, UK-England), TRACY DE SA (Sevres, France), CURRLS (Brighton, UK-England), The Ayoub Sisters (London, UK-England), Buffalo Nichols (Milwaukee, WI), Dead Tooth (Brooklyn, NY), HALLEY (Waseda, Japan), Talia Goddess (Brooklyn, NY), Dream Nails (London, UK-England), Yb. (Brisbane, Australia), Wyldest (London, UK-England), IFE (New Orleans, LA), MØAA (Seattle, WA), Ken Yates (London, Canada), Water Damage (Austin, TX), RUBIO (Mexico City, Mexico), China Bears (Bridgwater, UK-England), Zoon (Winnipeg, Canada), ZÓRA (Budapest, Hungary), Madam Radar (Austin, TX), Miranda del Sol (New York, NY), Telehealth (Seattle, WA), Kroi (Tokyo, Japan), Tokyo Syoki Syodo (Shimokitazawa, Japan), Stuck in the Sound (Paris, France), Sofi Paez (Berlin, Germany), Bleach Lab (London, UK-England), San Saba County (Austin, TX), FAZI 法兹 (Xi’an, China), Kikuo (Tokyo, Japan), William The Conqueror (Newquay, UK-England), Alex Nicol (Montreal, Canada), Fantasy Of A Broken Heart (Brooklyn, NY), Chiaki Mayumura (Setagya, Japan), TFD (Total F*cking Darkness) (Vancouver, Canada), Soda Blonde (Dublin, Ireland), Presence (Camarillo, CA), Skateland (Austin, TX), Neon Waltz (John O’groats, UK-Scotland), Anna Vaverková (Prague, Czechia), Bad Bad Hats (Minneapolis, MN), Cha’keeta B (Austin, TX), zouz (Montréal, Canada), Friedberg (Berlin, Germany), Etta Bond (London, UK-England), JÁNA (Stockholm, Sweden), CLT DRP (Brighton, UK-England), Mama Terra (Glasgow, UK-Scotland), Pylon Reenactment Society (Athens, GA), Rory James (Edinburgh, UK-Scotland), Jazz re:freshed DJs (London, UK-England), Eleni Drake (London, UK-England), Harvest Thieves (Austin, TX), Hinako Omori (London, UK-England), Bee Bee Sea (Castel Goffredo, Italy), The HawtThorns (Nashville, TN), Emily Frembgen (Brooklyn, NY), Nagasaki Swim (Rotterdam, Netherlands), VLURE (Glasgow, UK-Scotland), Laura-Mary Carter (Brighton, UK-ENGLAND), L E M F R E C K (Newport, UK-Wales), Iris Jean (Alkmaar, Netherlands), Conchur White (Portadown, UK-N. Ireland), Lauren Housley & The Northern Cowboys (Sheffield, UK-England), The Tiarras (Austin, TX), Enola Gay (Belfast UK-N. Ireland), Plastic Palms (Turin, Italy), Lottery Winners (Leigh, UK-England), O. (London, UK-England), The View (Dundee, UK-Scotland), Texas String Assembly (Austin, TX), Earth Tongue (Wellington, New Zealand), THUS LOVE (Brattleboro, VT), beccs (Warehan, MA), Gavin James (Dublin, Ireland), PVA (London, UK-England), Dirt Buyer (Brooklyn, NY), maxime. (Montreal, Canada), SPRINTS (Dublin, Ireland), Another Sky (London, UK-England), testpress (Glasgow, UK-Scotland), Pelvis Wrestley (Austin, TX), Library Card (Rotterdam, Netherlands), Äyanna (London, UK-England), Ralphie Choo (Madrid, Spain), Yogetsu Akasaka (Tokyo, Japan), TENGGER (Seoul, South Korea), Arches (Hong Kong, Hong Kong), Chxrry22 (Toronto, Canada), Jack Harris (Cleveland, OH), PAPISA (São Paulo, Brazil), Minas (Cardiff, UK-Wales), néomí (Den Haag, Netherlands), Anna Smyrk (Melbourne, Australia), Softee (Moorhead, MN), Justin Webb (Nashville, TN), Hooks & The Huckleberries (Albuquerque, NM), Lauren Lakis (Austin, TX), Teenage Sequence (Fort Worth, TX), The Vices (Groningen, Netherlands), BROTHER DEGE (Lafayette, LA), Miranda and the Beat (Brooklyn, NY), Forest Claudette (Melbourne, Australia), Jeshi (London, UK-England), Askew (London, UK-England), YU-KA (Tokyo, Japan), Logan Halstead (Powell County, KY), Humour (Glasgow UK-Scotland), Dasom Baek (Seoul, South Korea), Tufan Derince (Diyarbakir, Turkey), DOMICO (Tokyo, Japan), HYPNOSIS THERAPY (Seoul, South Korea), Rainbow Girls (Bodega, CA), JM Stevens (Austin, TX), Elle Shimada (Melbourne Australia), Emily Barker (Perth, Australia), Swallow the Rat (Auckland, New Zealand), South Summit (Perth, Australia), Field Guide (Winnipeg, Canada), Discovery Zone (New York, NY), Akira Galaxy (Los Angeles, CA), Camidoh (Accra, Ghana), JADA (London, UK-England), Glixen (Phoenix, AZ), Pink Pablo (San Juan, Puerto Rico), Selfish Sons (Brisbane, Australia), Boy With Apple (Gothenburg Sweden), Do Nothing (Nottingham UK-England), Moody Bank$ (Austin, TX), Good Looks (Austin, TX), Izo FitzRoy (London, UK-England), OSKA (Vienna, Austria), Sycco (Brisbane, Australia), Perennial (Amherst, MA), Logan Crosby (Milledgeville, GA), She’s In Parties (Colchester, UK-England), Being Dead (Austin, TX), Juani Mustard (Viña Del Mar, Chile), Dobrawa Czocher (Warsaw, Poland), Population II (Montreal, Canada), Vera Sola (Los Angeles, CA), The Howdies (Athens, GA), Carla Geneve (Perth, Australia), Planet Giza (Montreal, Canada), Hour (Philadelphia, PA), Amis du Teche (Breaux Bridge, LA), Folk Bitch Trio (Melbourne, Australia), Ako(a子) (Himeji City, Japan), Redbud (Austin, TX), The Beatbox Collective (London, UK-England), Yo Diablo (Valencia, Spain), Angelo Moore and the Brand New Step (Austin, TX), Natalie Jane Hill (Asheville, NC), Hause Plants (Lisbon, Portugal), Gurriers (Dublin, Ireland), Sultan Stevenson (London, UK-England), Chartreuse (The Black Country, UK-England), JUANPALITOSCHINOS (Mexico City, Mexico), FONTINE (Winnipeg, Canada), Divorce (Nottingham, UK-England), Chief Cleopatra (Austin, TX) and Larry Seaman (Austin, TX). 

After delivering 2 show-stopping performances last year, Drevo was invited back again. At 12 PM, 4 PM and 8 PM at Austin’s Club Teller, he blew the roof off with 3 sensational live performances hosted by Hustle Streetz Music Group. The new track, "Perfect Timing", which was released to critical acclaim on the last day of the festival (16th of March, 2024), is still making its way through music distribution channels and will be available to stream on SRL Music once officially released. Meanwhile, Drevo’s previous hit single “MILL” continues to break barriers and open doors to new career opportunities and fan bases for the rising Mississippi star, who has dominated his local underground and independent music scenes for several years now. “MILL” is available to stream on SRL Music, and the official music video is available to watch on SRLTV – just select “Music” or “Music Videos” from the main website menu at the top of this page. More Coolidge news soon.

Have a wonderful day.


How to Turn Water to Wine - Part 1



09-01-2024 23:36 GMT


Indie Music Press Releases (January 2024) - Discover the best emerging, underground & upcoming Alternative Rock artists, bands & labels with news updates announcing the latest music releases, live events/gigs, concert/tour dates, & other entertainment stories, articles & headlines from your favorite indie Alternative Rock performers & entertainers daily on SRL News.
Music industry update | Illinois, USA | Indie band, Elliott Waits For No One

The real title of this article is “How to Turn Water to Wine - Part 1”. Shhh! Don't tell anybody. Look in the browser address bar and you’ll see it. The second title just above the photo inside the page relates to the music news story we’ll be exploring today during the course of this article, while turning water to wine. If that’s confusing, this article may be too complex for you, please don’t read it if you haven't noticed that there are two parts to everything around you and each has a beginning and an end, a future and a past, a front and a back, a left and a right, a top and a bottom, and inside and an outside, and so on and so forth. 

I had a dream last night. It was weird and felt really real. I felt really positive and refreshed, almost accomplished even, yet ever so awkward when I woke up. It was almost like that recurring one where I have really passionate, hot, steamy sex that ends before the actual sex, with my high school sweetheart - the one that got away; but even realer. I met Jesus and we were talking casually for a really long time. But all he said to me was, “ALWAYS wear your best underwear”. I looked at the crucifix on the white gold rosary that I wear every day and noticed, as if for the first time that what he was wearing looked very much like a diaper and was certainly not his best underwear. I thought that was what he was talking about, so I nodded, and chuckled a bit like a total idiot. That wasn't what he was talking about. As I was waking up, he slapped me softly but really firmly and said, “don’t think you idiot! FEEL!!”. To cut a long story short, I’m wearing my brand new Calvin Klein microfibre briefs today, the ones I keep for when I KNOW I’m getting lucky for sure, that sits right beside my double ribbed extra-thin condoms, my pink feather, my edible thong, handcuffs, lime green mankini, Kim Kardashian poster, KY Jelly, Vaseline and my Stud 100 in my night stand. If you’re wondering why I’ve got KY Jelly AND Vaseline, we’ve got a HUGE problem, and you won’t make it to the end of this article unless we thrash it out right here right now... But let’s not thrash it out, let’s just keep going. 

It took me several months to write this article because I knew you’d be here. Yes YOU, quit looking around silly, YOU. You and I were meant to meet. Right here, right now and we’re doing it; so just let go and let God do his thing, mkay? Quit asking all these questions and just read. Everything you need to know is right here, and by the end of this article, you’ll be really happy, I promise you. Just relax. Okay, let’s go. 

How to turn water to wine… 

Oh snap! I forgot to introduce myself. It’s me, the “Ideas Guy”; but I’m sure you knew that already. If you didn’t, I’m sure you were hoping it was me. You might have read some of my other articles and thought they were awesome but this one is better than awesome, so buckle up. I’ve been writing and rewriting it in my head for several months so you can bet your last dime it’s gonna be deep. In fact, by the end of it you’ll feel like you jumped into a black hole and came out of Kim Kardashian’s butt hole in reverse (get it?). I’m know, awesome right? Anyway, thanks for cumming, it’s a pleasure to have you again. I’m so excited to have you here. No, really. In fact if I get any more excited I might accidentally sh*t myself, and I’m wearing my good trousers today. Not that I would do it if I wasn’t wearing my best pants, or under any circumstance at all – I’m just saying, you make me feel so special every time you come to my little playground. Or wait, should I say my vast mine field? Yep, I think I should say that. If you’ve been here before you’ll know why I’m saying that. It’s because at various points during the course of anything I write, you are liable to have your mind blown to shreds. But you won’t stop there, you won’t get hurt either; you’ll get up and keep running through the mine field in ecstasy, looking for the next explosion like a sick, twisted, deranged soldier on PCP. If you haven’t been here before you’d better buckle up, seriously. You won’t be able to unread any of this stuff you are about to read so please leave and come back later with a bottle of Jack and an empty wine bottle – the Jack for me obviously and the empty bottle for you, which is going to be filled with wine at some point in the future. Don’t laugh, this is serious stuff. 

Let’s get right down to it shall we? And don’t worry, we’ll get to the music news story of the day eventually mkay? It’s gonna be HUGE! So consider this your preparation for it. 

I was about to kiss my girlfriend good morning today when I suddenly realized the sneaky bitch had gone and gotten a landing strip thingy while I was asleep or sometime during the time that passed since I kissed it good morning the day before like I do every morning, to say thank you for some of the best after sex cigarettes I’ve ever had. And no, I don’t vape, sorry to disappoint you. In fact I stay away from anything that is not what it is. Like lactose-free milk, non-alcoholic beer, that "I can’t believe it’s not butter" thingy, fat-free anything that normally has fat in it, and; okay I’m sure you know what I mean. I mean for God’s sake, what if I got you a Gucci bag for you birthday and told you it wasn’t Gucci? Or I bought you a car and told you it didn’t drive. I know, totally insane right? Don’t worry, we’re going somewhere with all this, I promise. Oh snap! I forgot to introduce myself, silly me. It’s me again, the “Ideas Guy”. If you’ve been here before you probably already knew because of all the awesome stuff you’ve been reading, I know. I’ve totally been getting all the work around here and it doesn’t look like anything is gonna change anytime soon. At this rate, I’m hoping none of the old guys in HR has a heart attack when I ask for my next pay rise 😊 – yes! It’s gonna be huge! And I don’t ask – I DEMAND that sh*t like it’s mine and I’m taking it back. But where were we? Ah yes, the landing strip. At first I saw it and thought nothing of it, but then as I got closer to kiss it I started to feel (and see) like I was about to kiss Hitler on the lips, and he wasn’t moving his face away. I went in for the kiss and pulled back several times, until eventually, I totally lost it and screamed out “NEVER!”, and got the hell out of there. To cut a long story short, I was the first in the office today and I wasn’t even planning to come in at all. Glad I came though, ‘cos you’re here; AND there’s a new receptionist wearing a really short skirt so I’ve been calling her into my office to help me fax stuff to myself and dropping my pencils on purpose so she can moon me. In a very innocent SFW way obviously, I’m not a perv, I promise 😊.

So anyway I’m here being awesome once again and like I said before, we’re going to talk about how to turn water to wine. Believe it or not, somehow, by the end of this article I GUARANTEE YOU, we’re both gonna be drinking wine and we’re not buying it from a store like all those other suckers. We’ll make that sh*t from water, just like Jesus did. And most importantly, we won’t tell anybody else how to do it mkay? This it top secret. I’m trusting you, don’t screw up. 

Unfortunately there is a catch. The catch is that I won’t actually give you the exact steps. I’ll say things, and you’ll figure it out by yourself because you are so intelligent. I’ll tell you a few parables here and there, mention a few ingredients here and there, and eventually, you WILL figure out how to do it by yourself. I’ve already mentioned a few of them. “Only wear your best underwear (always prepare for the best outcome – in my case, getting lucky 😊)”; “Don’t think! FEEL!! (always feel like you are at your best)”, the Gucci bag that wasn’t Gucci (the most important of all – being Gucci or NOT Gucci doesn’t change what it is – A BAG); demanding my pay rise like it’s mine and I’m taking it back (ask nicely and you may receive – demand it like it’s yours and you WILL receive); having both KY Jelly AND Vaseline (it’s because the jelly must run out eventually - every beginning has an end that is just as important as itself); and oh, did you notice I introduced myself twice? Aha! And I may even do it again. It’s weird, but there’s a reason (the same reason Christians say “Jesus is Lord” all the time, when they’ve already said it many times, and will do so many more times in the future).

I’ve been told my articles are too long too many times this year already and this is my first one this year, so rather than make this one full-length article, let’s spread it out over a few news stories okay?

Don’t worry they’ll all follow each other in the news column and they’ll all link back to each other so you can find them easily. 

Now, let’s explore the news story of the day shall we? 

“Until the Last Leaf Falls” the new single by Illinois, US alternative rock band Elliott Waits For No One was released to critical acclaim just in time to usher in 2024. It follows just over 2 months since their previous release, “Time Loop”, which, like most of their releases was hailed for its authenticity and originality. Critics have had nothing but good things to say about it. We’ll also be reviewing it on SRL Reviews in the coming weeks. It is available to stream and download on Spotify, Apple Music and all top digital music streaming platforms. 

So there you have it, another exciting indie music story to get you through the day. See you again next time.  And don’t forget to "always wear your best underwear" in 2024. Happy New Year! 




03-06-2023 17:37 GMT


Indie Music Press Releases (June 2023) - Discover the best emerging, underground & upcoming Electronic Rock artists, bands & labels with news updates announcing the latest music releases, live events/gigs, concert/tour dates, & other entertainment stories, articles & headlines from your favorite indie Electronic Rock performers & entertainers daily on SRL News.
Music industry update | Seoul, South Korea | Indie band, Love X Stereo

I walked in on my girlfriend’s daughter twerking in her underpants with no shirt on this morning and I didn’t look away. She was making a TikTok video. Everything around went blurred and all I could hear was “My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns hun”, that annoying Nicki Minaj song where she eats that poor banana really slowly in the music video; as my jaw dropped, eyes opened wide and neck protruded in really slow motion. It was so disgusting I couldn’t look away, like Miley Cyrus twerking at the MTV Awards with absolutely nothing jiggling or shaking, but worse. I let her finish, then we made a really awkward eye contact and I left. We later met at the kitchen table while I was eating my legendary Fruit Loops–Skittles–Jack Daniels mix breakfast, that I only eat when I need to get really pumped up for work. And she asked me: “why didn’t you look away?”, as if she was concerned that I might be creepy or something. I screamed back at her: “Bitch! That was the most disgusting thing I’ve never seen, get your little freaky ass up on the changing table so I can change that freaking diaper, it reeks! You’re f*cking up my cereal, get out of here, go”. I’ve been having flashbacks all day, it’s really f*cking with my head. She was wearing a thong over her diaper and she was doing that move where one hand is on the floor and, well, you know the rest. I’m really thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend more seriously now. We’ve only been dating for a few weeks but I’ve seen so many things already. The other day I woke up in the morning and walked into the bathroom casually to make my morning poopoo and there was a fully naked construction worker shaving his pubes in front of the vanity mirror. I quickly closed the door and screamed out to her, “hey babe, I didn’t know we were having any work done in the house, why’d you get a construction worker? And why is he naked in the bathroom?”. And she yelled back, to my surprise from behind the bathroom door I had just closed behind me: “you son of b*tch, that was me that was in there, get in here and shave me”. She was putting on her face, I totally didn't recognise her without make up. She had stubble and everything. Now I know what she really looks like and to be honest with you I feel hurt that she would lie to me like that all these past weeks. I thought I was blessed to be sleeping with an angel, I didn’t know I’d been taking a construction worker in high heels really hard from behind all this time. To be honest with you I think I’ve said too much and we should move on quickly. 

Let’s start afresh on a new page, let me introduce myself first and then we’ll go from there. And don’t worry, we’ll get to the music news part, lemme just warm up for a minute. It’s my first day writing here and I’ve been given specific instructions that I must follow, to make my boss happy – I don’t eat ass but sometimes I kiss it a little bit to make her happy, she really likes that. Oh wait, did I mention that my girlfriend, the girl I was talking about earlier was my boss? Yep, I'm totally hitting that. Sadly, I suspect I’m not the first one in the office she’s dated, that’s another reason I’ve been thinking about ditching her - I’ve been hearing things, but let’s move on. 

The instructions I was given was that no matter what I write about I must touch on 3 specific subject matters every single time: Jesus, p*ssy and dollars; or else my articles would be rejected. I think I’ve almost got the pussy cat part covered so let’s quickly finish that up and then we’ll have just two left to go and then we’ll get down to the music news story of the day that you came here for. You can read the original “Jesus, p*ssy and dollars” article written by one of my colleagues [here] so you know I’m not bullsh*tting you when I say I’ve been told I must do this. 

Now, I’m one of the older and significantly more mature writers here in the SRL writers room so please excuse me if I use big words like condoms, and heterosexual, and compact dicks (oops!! I meant compact discs). 

I’m not a couchie monster like all these young f*ckers that eat everything and walk around in torn, dirty clothes with expressionless eyes looking like Dua Lipa in that Michael Jackson Thriller video. Oh you didn’t know she was in there? Watch it again, they’re all Dua Lipa. I wear a suit and a tie to work and I’m a really awesome and dignified writer but to be honest with you I haven’t always been this amazing. In fact the reason I became a writer was because my literature teacher back in school wore really short skirts and every time I was naughty she put me over her bare laps and spanked me really hard with her sweet soft palms after all the other pupils had left. Consequently, I never missed an opportunity to be naughty and I failed every test to make sure I was her worst ever pupil and she would spank me harder for tarnishing her outstanding record as an English teacher. It was all going really well for us, we had such an amazing relationship, that she obviously didn’t know about. I even used to tell myself we were secret lovers, until one day I enjoyed it a little too much and after she was finished I moaned out the words “oh my Gaawwwd, that was so amazing”. I then gave her a soft peck on the cheek as I got off her laps and our lips touched a little bit as I got up. Just as she was about to express her rage and disgust, and as she furiously reached for the really painful cane that wasn’t exciting at all when it hit the buttocks, a full condom fell out of my shorts 🤯. Her jaws dropped, she nearly passed out from the potent mix of shock, fury, confusion, shame, reverse paedophilia and intense rage that would have been circulating inside her at the time. I wasn’t sorry at all, I was totally wasted (it was high school for God's sake, what did you expect - no one has told me what the High in High School means up till this day). I didn’t even stop to retrieve the full condom, I just left. I was due for my after-sex cigarette. To cut a long story short I had to read all the literature books and do all my outstanding homework to keep from getting expelled that year, while my classmates were out at summer camp competing to see who's fingering finger smelled strongest for longest and they weren't playing the guitar I assure you. That’s how I became a writer, that’s my story. Well, that’s the p*ssy part of my obligation covered. Let’s move on to the money part, then we’ll talk about Jesus a little bit. And then we’ll get to the news m-kay? I'll be quick, promise. 

Now, what I’m about to tell you next totally doesn’t apply to you and I. We both know how awesome we are deep down inside, but we leave it unspoken (obviously) so that people think we’re really down to earth and cool. I may still use the words “you” and “I” here and there but remember, it’s not us we’re talking about, it’s "them". Wait, wait, wait, not “THEM” them, you know those fabulous ladies and gents, oops!! I mean Thems and Thems, who don’t like to be identified by their penises and boobies and clitorises? You know who I’m talking about? Well, not them - other people, that’s what I meant to say. Basically anyone who’s not as awesome and cool as you and I. 

You know how people sometimes say crazy stuff like “ANYTHING can happen”? I know, crazy right? I mean,  ANYTHING? Really? Can a piano fall out of the sky right now? GTFOOH!! That’s what I tell people who say that sh*t to me now, it's f*cking ridiculous. In fact I keep away from people who say stuff like that. As far as I’m concerned they are either not yet woke or, more suspect than an overweight spinster buying a cucumber at the late night supermarket – they’re up to something fishy as far as I’m concerned. See what I did there? Fishy? He-he-he. Anyway, do you know there are people in the world that have never said that? And not because they are like you and I, who obviously never EVER fail, but because they plan EVERYTHING to the last detail, much like you and I do. Let’s dedicated this whole article to everyone else who is not like us and even help them get on track and create a bulletproof life plan so that when people ask them how life’s going or how their day is going they can say “exactly as I planned”, instead of weird annoying stuff like “so and so” or “same day different shit” or “we’re still alive” or whatever people with no plans say. But why am I sure they’ll say "exactly as I planned", you may ask? And I know you know the answer already but I’ll say it anyway (for the “them” we were talking about before, who may or may not know) – because that’s exactly my plan! Obviously. 

In case you haven’t guessed already, I’m known as the “Life Coach” guy here. Everyone else is choosing exciting descriptive titles to help them stand out in the news room since we are not allowed to use names or pen names for whatever reason so that’s how you can find my articles, search for the “Life Coach” guy. My articles are designed to get your life on track, so, to cut a long story short, if your life is perfect, then GTFOOH!! Just kidding, he-he-he, you’re most welcome to stay. 

To be honest with you I learned most of what I know from my colleague the “Ideas Guy”. He’s a freaking nerd but he has changed many lives here in the writers room. To be honest with you I was just an okay writer before I came here but I thought I was as good as I could ever get. Now, I'm so amazing you’d think my name was God if you stood outside my bedroom window on any morning, day or night of the week for 3 minutes or more – yep, I’m pretty darn awesome and ladies totally love me now. 

I never thought I could get rich from writing without even writing a book and a big movie script but the “Ideas Guy” totally opened my eyes to some new sh*t. When I first got here I thought he was a total d*ckhead and he needed to be more “woke” in the sense of the word that kids these days mean when they say “woke”. In other words, call things that are good “bad”, “your clothes are not brand new unless they’re torn and dirty”, “you’re not awesome unless you’ve got permanent marker all over your body”, and “you’re not doing it right if you don’t burp after eating ass (oops!! I meant tossing salad - let’s make it sound classy)” 😊. This place is riddled with them and they totally give me the heebie-jeebies to be honest. I literally cross over to the other side of the corridor and refrain from eye contact when I see them 😁, I think they are AI. 

Anyway, the “Ideas Guy”’s persistent inappropriate use of emojis is getting really annoying already, that's why I think he's such a d*ckhead. I think he should just stop using them until he knows what they mean. I was going out to pick up some munchies for lunch this afternoon so I offered to pick up some things for the nerds who were still sitting at their desks working away at lunch time. I took everyone’s orders and left then I received a really annoying text message from the “Ideas Guy” that really pissed me off. It was a single egg plant emoji . I was so annoyed because somehow I understood what he was trying to tell me – he’s a vegetarian. I was even more steamed that I actually understood that sh*t. Anyway, like I said before, he changed my life, so I can't really hate him. I can call him a total douche bag, but I totally love that f*cker. 

I'll tell you how it all happened. The “Ideas Guy” and I went out for drinks one day. He said it was a ritual of his, called "Day Drinking", where he goes out and gets drunk in broad day light on a day of the week, usually around the beginning, before Wednesday. It would usually end at night somehow but it starts around lunch time and he'd never actually get drunk. I got drunk within a few hours but he was perfectly fine. While I was drunk he got me to do one of his silly mental exercises (search for "the Ideas Guy" in the search bar above and the search bar on SRL Reviews to find his articles and the mental exercises I'm talking about). I had always thought they were stupid and I'd never fully understood them but I was totally wasted so I went along with it. When I woke up the morning after the first thing that flashed in my mind was a pretty ordinary hair brush in a shop window that cost $8,000,000.00 exactly. I didn’t see the name of the shop or anything else in the window but till this day I still see it every time I brush my hair and I want it really bad – in fact I’ve got to have it! 

Lemme tell you how it started. I said to him (in a really slurred voice, ‘cos we were drinking Jack Daniels): “hey man, I love you man”. “I would totally love to pay for all these grossly overpriced drinks but I’m totally broke”, and then for some reason I rested my head on his shoulder and put my arm around him. He responded disgustedly and pushed me away: “love me?! What the f*ck are you talking about? You just met me”. And I replied: “I know, that’s what makes it so special”. I continued: “I’m a really amazing writer but I’m soooo broke man”. He said to me, “broke? how much have you got?” I said to him, “nothing man, nothing at all, I'm totally skint man, I'm sh shh*t”. 

And then he asked me a question no one in the world had ever asked me and that I had never actually thought about prior. He said: "well, how much do you want to have?" I replied, puzzled, stuttering, confused: "I don't know? A lot?" He got so steamed, furious even and his reply was “f*ck you!”. 

All I remember from that moment was really blurry so forgive me if this is not really specific. He said “you’ve got a date with a toilet bowl in the morning so I’m gonna make this quick so you don't miss it”. He said “you say you’re broke, well how much money have you got, damn it? Gimme a number!” I said “I don’t know, maybe twenty? Fifty maybe. Not very much”. He said “well how the f*ck can you say you’re broke if you don’t even know how much you’ve f*cking got in your pockets right now? That’s absolutely insane, you’re not broke you’re f*cking insane. Lemme see your wallet.” I replied defensively in a really slurred voice, “wh--a--at??” He said “take out your f*cking wallet, put your money on the table so we can count it”. We counted it. It turned out I had more money than I thought I actually had - about one hundred and twenty seven pounds and eight four pence. The last thing I remember is counting backwards from one hundred to zero and the next morning all my money problems were gone. “The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers is now included at the beginning and end of every one of my Spotify playlists to make sure I never forget to do exactly that. You know that song that goes "You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table..." 


Phew!! That’s the dollars part of the article done, now let’s do the Jesus part and then we’ll get to the music news story. The Jesus part is so easy. It’s just an extension of the “dollars” part. 

When I woke up the morning after Day Drinking with the "Ideas Guy" all I saw was a really bright light. I thought I was dead but it was the “Ideas Guy” standing over me as I awoke in what was definitely not my bed. He had let me spend the night at his house, how thoughtful of him. The glorious sunshine from the nearby windows were reflecting off his humongous extra-thick glasses into my eyes and totally blinding me. He was holding a bucket and he ushered me to the bathroom. I threw up every step of the way. He had prepared the bathroom nicely for the “date with a toilet bowl” he had predicted the night before. It was warm and cosy, I’ve never thrown up so good in my life. I’ve also never drunk too much ever since. When I was done, he brought me a glass of ginger ale and he read me a passage from the Bible, the one about the Widow who had only 3 drops of oil left in a jar and as my eyes cleared I noticed my one hundred and twenty seven pounds and eight four pence spread out in front of me on a really glamorous dressing table. His last words to me as I looked at my reflection in the massive vanity mirror with all types of lights in front of me before he left for work were “how much money have you got?”. I replied in a dazed voice with conviction, as if I was proud of it, almost like a soldier: “one hundred and twenty seven pounds and eight four pence”. He continued: “and how much money do you want”. I replied again, still dazed yet determined but with a little fierceness to it, almost like The Godfather. I even squinted my eyes a little bit: “eight million dollars”. Then he said “well you’d better count your money again, and give thanks… ” And then he started to walk away as if to say his job was done. As he walked away he handed me a hair brush like the one that had flashed in my mind just before I woke up, saying “… and brush your hair, you look like sh*t.” 

I’ve had amazing hair and a fat bank account ever since. 

Phew!! Well, I believe I’ve fulfilled my obligations and we can now proceed to the music news story of the day. I hope you learned something from that little story. It doesn’t just apply to money, it applies to any and everything. In fact, just before I started writing this article I did a word count on every article ever written in the SRL writers room to find the longest – and I’m pretty sure I would have broken the record by the end of this article. You know how I know? Well of course you do, remember at the beginning I said I would help “them” get on track and create a bulletproof life plan? That’s exactly what I did here. I selected a goal at the start of the article. I got focused on the goal by keeping the goal in my mind and counting backwards from one hundred to one. And then I opened a blank sheet of paper (I use Microsoft word for drafts, so a blank page, he-he-he). And then I counted the words on it – there we zero obviously, and yet I gave thanks for it, and for Microsoft Word. I then proceeded to do a word count on the longest article ever written in the SRL writers room. In other words I established a starting point and a finish line, kind of like Google maps. The goal had no other option but to be achieved because prior to even beginning I’d told myself how awesome I was, like I do every day when I wake up and every night before I bury my face into the glorious bosom of my girlfriend and pass out in ecstasy till the following morning. I haven’t counted words or tried to make this article long so I can meet my goal. Whether I accomplish my goal or not hasn’t even crossed my mind at all until mentioning it now and even then, I feel absolutely nothing as I talk about it, in fact Dua Lipa would totally worship my expressionless face and eyes right now if she saw them. Now we have a starting point (blank sheet), a destination (longest article), and the final and most important part, the vehicle to get me from start to finish (I’m awesome). And hence, goal achieved, whether you like it or not - just wait and see, count it if you don't believe me. Works like magic every single time. But I’m sure you knew that already, you’re awesome too. Okay let’s do this music news thingy.

You’re gonna be really happy you waited for the music news story of the day because it’s really big. South Korean trio Love X Stereo is back on the scene with a brand new sound and they’re bigger than ever. First of all, if you’ve never heard about this independent band before shame on you. Okay that was a little harsh, but you probably should really come here a lot more often so you don’t miss amazing things like this that could change your life and raise your bar for good music so high that Snoop Dogg would totally pass out trying to reach it. Yep, South Korea’s top independent electronic rock music trio is nothing to play with when it comes to innovative sounds and musical ecstasy. If you've never had an eargasm before, they will totally take your virginity - but in a very gentle and caring way that won't hurt, I promise. And you won't even want it back after, like Madonna. In fact since they made their debut back in 2011 no other band has been able to follow them in a live performance line-up without sounding (and probably also feeling) shitty, and these guys have played almost literally every self-respecting music festival featuring electronic rock music in East Asia, the UK and even the USA. Pretty awesome for a band that is fully independent without a record label or any sort of big financial backers to buy their shiny leather jackets and bring them hookers and really good weed after a hard day’s work right? My favourite LXS record is “Buzzin”, their very first album, but I have so many favourites sometimes I just put all their albums on repeat and tell Spotify’s sh*tty algorithms to f*ck off forever. These guys are so awesome if AI tried to recreate them there’d be a lot of small explosions in whatever circuits are involved, and a lot of smoke, but not the good smoke. I’ve tried finding a band this good to follow their songs in my Spotify playlists but everything else sounds like crap after a Love X Stereo song. They were even featured in the famous mainstream music magazine, RollingStone’s May 2023 Top 10 Rising Artists To Watch list, so you know they’re a pretty huge deal. Okay I think you get how awesome they are now. If you’ve heard them before then you know my above statements haven’t even scraped the surface of how amazing they are, but what can I say? I tried (sigh!!).

Kicking off on the 20th of May, 2023, Love X Stereo (or LXS for short) began what can only be described as a full-fledged musical onslaught that could change the world’s music landscape forever for the better before AI gets here and destroys everything that is considered "real" including music. “Lucid Dreams” an exciting single featuring an exciting new South Korean music act by the name of Da1sy Doom was released to critical acclaim as is the case with every single one of their records. Arriving more than 15 months after their last record “All 3”, which was released back in January 2022, it’s their first official new release of 2023 and every critic and fan would gladly admit that it was well worth the wait. The track was quickly followed by the release of “@ttraction”, another even more spectacular song on the 27th of May, and then the latest “Miracle City” was released today, the 3rd of June, 2023. There is talk about a lot of other new records on the way. Look out for a full review of every single one of these songs on Skunk Radio Live Music Reviews in the near future. We are also expecting a good number of exciting local, national and possibly international upcoming concert dates, online gigs and other live appearances, which can be found on the Skunk Radio Live Events page once confirmed. There are also several exciting new music videos by the sensational Seoul duo streaming now on Skunk Radio Live TV so be sure to also check them out and share them with only your very best friends who you are sure deserve it.

Well, that’s about all from me for today. I hope our time together has been time well spent. Oops!! I mean, I KNOW our time together has been time well spent - because that’s the way I planned it out to be; and I know we will meet here again really soon. So, from me the ”Life Coach” guy and the amazing couchie monsters (oops!! I meant Millennials) and nerds here at the Skunk Radio Live writers room, have a wonderful day and a bulletproof life plan.

See you tomorrow. 

I was just kidding about the "couchie monsters" part obviously, I totally don’t call Millennials, Gen-zees and Hippies that, everyone’s doing it. I don’t want anyone knocking on my office door after this threatening to eat me, like that Little Red's grand mother in that scandalous children's story; that let the big bad wolf eat her - what a bad example for kids wouldn't you say? 

Anyway, toodles.

I hate dat bitch Alexa



01-05-2023 14:43 GMT


Indie Music Press Releases (May 2023) - Discover the best emerging, underground & upcoming Pop artists, bands & labels with news updates announcing the latest music releases, live events/gigs, concert/tour dates, & other entertainment stories, articles & headlines from your favorite indie Pop performers & entertainers daily on SRL News.
Music industry update | London, UK | Indie artist, Saachi Sen

I hate that bitch Alexa. Every time I say something she’s always got something more exciting she wants me to do or something ridiculous that she thought I said; and totally throws me off, or puts me off what I was about to do. Does that bitch speak English at all? It’s like she doesn’t understand a word I’m saying. The other day I said “Good Lord Alexa, I’m so horny” and she said “calling your mommy”. The other time I said “call Antonio”, and that bitch had the nerve to tell me “no, you’re no Romeo”. Then I said “play my favourite song” and she said “searching for edible thongs”. She's crazy, I know she is – unless mine is broken, or is a repentant crackhead or prostitute or something. 

Anyway, today I asked what the weather was like and Alexa said “nope, I don't like that sweater - it's too bright”. I was so steamed I left with nothing but my laptop bag, the compact umbrella I keep in my laptop bag just in case it rains, and my laptop. It rained. It f*cking rained. It rained big time, definitely not compact umbrella rain. I got totally soaked, but don't worry my hair was still amazing - that's all that matters. Anyway I rushed into the office and took off my shirt so it could dry. I struggled to put the umbrella back in its case so I rested the bottom of the handle just above my thigh to make sliding the cover on easier. From behind it looked like I was putting on a condom. Picture it… Got it? Now the cover got stuck in the middle so I had to hold the base of the umbrella handle so I could pull the cover back up a little bit and then pull it back down really hard. I thrusted my hip forward really hard out of frustration to increase the force. Then all of a sudden my boss walked in. She was SHOCKED! It just so happened MTV had decided to play the video of Miley Cyrus twerking at the 2013 MTV Awards at that very moment. I totally didn't record it and put it on repeat every morning so I can get the day started right. She screamed out “Jesus CHRIST! It’s Monday morning for God’s sake, what the F* is wrong with you?” And then she stormed out furiously. I didn’t get a chance to explain that my shirt got wet and that I was just putting my umbrella back in the case - not whatever it looked like I was doing from behind. It’s gonna be really awkward the next time I see her. I’m sure she’ll never shake my hand again 😁. I wonder what she wanted.

I’d been listening to Kanye West again on my way to work. (Sigh!). Awkward things always happen when I listen to Kanye and I always feel horrible afterwards because I always promise myself the last time was the last. To be honest I only listen to Kanye to remind myself to be wary of really beautiful women. The wrong woman will totally take half of your money and leave you with a bad taste in your mouth forever. To cut a long story short right now I feel like I ate Kim Kardashian’s "pancake" and I can’t stop tasting Ray J. Do you feel the same way when you listen to rap nowadays sometimes or is it just me? 

I feel like I should have said “no disrespect” before I made that last comment, I totally meant no disrespect. In fact only the other day I was thinking how annoying those people are, who start a very awful and disrespectful comment with “no disrespect” – what a bunch of f*cking knuckleheads right? The other day one of my colleagues walked up to me while my other colleagues were congratulating me on the outstanding stats of one of my articles and said to me “no disrespect, but your articles are too long - I felt like I was totally getting blacked” and then he giggled and walked off. I know, WTF right? That’s like walking up to someone that annoys you with a gun and saying “I don’t mean any harm, but, here’s 9 bullets, an extendo clip and a 45”. I know – ouch right? 

To be honest with you I wasn’t planning to come to work this week at all, or even next week. I've been so busy living, the last thing I need is anyone stressing me out right now. But I had so many exciting things going on in my life I felt like I might explode if I didn’t tell someone. And I don't mean explode like the fun little explosions I made in my shorts every time my biology teacher turned around to write on the black board during sex education class back in school; or the slightly larger ones that happened in my shorts every Mondays and Wednesdays when the principal put me on her laps and spanked me thoroughly for being naughty (on purpose 😜) again. I'm talking about a real man explosion, like those ones orchestrated by that man in the cave whose name suspiciously rhymes with Obama in a way that is too much of a coincidence, but let's leave it there. So thanks for coming. I’m so happy you came here, when there’s probably like a million other places on the Wild Wild Web you could be right now.

We’ll get to the music news in a minute but let’s talk a little bit first. 

Oh and by the way, it’s me the “Ideas Guy” again. My articles have been getting so much attention online that I’m totally getting all the work in the news room these days. All this attention is a lot of pressure and very new for me but it totally beats being referred to as “the guy with the flat screen TV on his face”. I know my glasses are huge but that’s such a hurtful thing to say. I totally had a tear in my eye the first time I heard it and every single time after, but instead of getting steamed I used the fury to be the best writer I could possibly be every single time I entered the writers room and every one was laughing at me behind my back. I never hated them and now they all love me, albeit secretly, but I know they do, I can tell they're so happy to have me on their team. 

Now let’s get started. First of all, I’ve recently invested some of my new found wealth from all the attention and love online in a car wash business nearby. It’s just under the bridge at London Bridge. It’s called Dirty Diana. It’s got a big signboard with a picture of Marilyn Monroe in a red polka dot dress being sprayed with a hose while she tries to keep her dress from riding up by pinning it down to her tightly pressed together knees but her bloomers are still totally showing. She’s also making that face Nicki Minaj makes when she has one finger on her cheek and her eyes rolled backwards looking like she was trying to remember where she left her dildos and a lot of other dirty thoughts from their previous usages flooded her mind. And I mean her hand on her face cheek, not the one I suspect Jesus really meant when he said "turn the other cheek" 😁. To drum up business I’ve been going to all the local parks at launch time to feed the pigeons laxatives and KFC 😊. I KNOW – what a bright idea right? Of course it is, I’m the “Ideas Guy” remember? I later realised pedestrians too were gonna also get shitted and vomited on by the pigeons so I’m now on the market for a 1-hour dry cleaning business to purchase nearby. If you know any near London Bridge please write in the comments section or head down to Dirty Diana where we may or may not have some hidden dirty little treats for you (wink, wink, wink). With all this new pigeon money racing in, I think I'm totally gonna be a millionaire by the time the summer gets here. I'm so excited, woo-hoo! 

But enough about me, how’s your day been? What’ve you been up to? Done anything exciting yet? Sure you have, drop me a line in the comments section, I’d love to hear it.

With all this new money coming in, and all the love and appreciation I feel every time you come here, I’ve decided to do something very special for you today. I’m going to give you a gift. And no, I’m not going to send you an emoji gift, like in those silly emails you’ve probably received saying “Someone bought you a drink on Fubar”. A real gift, something tangible. I know you’re gonna love it but I don’t know what it is yet and I don’t know how I’m going to get it to you, since I don’t have your address. But I promise you that by the end of this article I’ll have a gift for you and you will receive it immediately. 

Today’s music news story is about London's most exciting indie pop artist, Saachi Sen. We’ll get to that in a minute but first there’s something really important I want to talk to you about. Here it goes.

I was feeding pigeons earlier this afternoon while listening to my favorite song “Cum on Everybody” by Eminem when I wrote this article in my head but I didn't finish it, that's why I know there is a gift but I don't know what it is yet. It’s really exciting and I promise you, by the end of it you’re gonna be more excited than Dracula on Kim Kardashian’s period (I know, so much blood right? SMH. That lovely lady must have like 20 billion eggs, with all the basketball players she’s attracting). And just for the record, I’ve stopped playing basketball. To be honest I’m now really suspicious of many of my old friends who I played with, who were always so enthusiastic about trying to get the ball from me from behind. I thought I had somehow miraculously gotten really good at protecting the ball because they never got it – but with all the basketball players coming out of the closet now, I’m starting to think they never wanted it at all. I’m really furious and I’ve been having nightmares about playing basketball with Shaq in the rain in the dark in that same compromising defence position – he never gets the ball, he just whispers sweet trash talk in my ears from behind in that deep Barry White voice of his, and I wake up feeling really violated and almost sore even. 

But where were we? Ah yes. Oh wait, since we’re on the subject, did you know Shaq invented the Selfie? This is an extension of my lady colleague’s hilarious Shaq elephant joke (read the full article here if you’re interested, it’s so funny - it opens in a new page, don't worry, so you can easily close it and come back here). Shaq was rubbing his magic lamp one day and about to blow his load on the ceiling when someone rushed in unexpectedly. He quickly turned his back, replaced his lamp hand with his phone and said “cheese”. The flash wasn’t on but there was a big white flash (splash) on the ceiling during the picture - it literally blew the roof off, he-he-he. That reminds me so much of one of the first dirty jokes I ever heard back in high school – about the man whose penis was so big that when he came he went 😊. Till this day it’s one of the funniest dirty jokes I’ve heard. Know any good ones? Write them in the comments section.

Okay, let’s continue. We’re going to talk about Aladdin. While listening to “Cum on Everybody” by Eminem, it totally hit me. That cartoon was the most sickest, twisted thing I watched as a kid WITH my parents and family and it totally corrupted me, but I didn’t know it till I was fully grown, today. A whole movie about a naughty teenage horn dog who rubbed his lamp WAY TOO often until one day he blew his load and a full sized man popped out and started doing magic. I know, disgusting right? And that’s what we’re discussing today - what makes your magic happen? Everyone’s got a special something they do that makes amazing things happen in their lives but many people don’t know what it is. Like that guy in Alibaba and the Forty Thieves who yells out “Sesame Seeds!”, or "Sesame Street" or whatever he says, he-he-he; and a door to a secret passage opens. Or like the people screaming at the Wall of Jericho in the Bible to make it fall down. What opens your magic door? What makes your Wall of Jericho fall down? To be honest with you I’m not going to tell you. I’m not one of those guys. You know those guys who see a rich or successful person and runs up to them, kisses every one of their toes metaphorically and says weird stuff like “how’d you become so successful?” and “how’d you know when you had made it?”. F*ck no. First of all I know they’re not going to tell me, that’s just giving yet another human being another amazing opportunity to lie to me and begging for it even. No one in their right mind will tell you why they are successful, so stop dreaming. When I meet rich people I just ask them for money like a normal human being, I don’t give a f*ck what made them successful, I know they’ll lie immediately or tell me a parable, like Jesus. Instead of looking for successful people, I do the opposite. I look for people who are totally f*cked and say to them, “Good Lord! How’d you get so F*cked UP?” And they’re always quick to tell you everything they did – I listen to every word and then make sure I don’t ever do it. One step away from failure is another step towards success wouldn’t you say? Baby steps I tell you, baby steps.. Remember the silly comment about Kanye and Kim and Ray J I made at the beginning? I wasn’t poking fun at anybody. In fact I’m sorry I said it. I too have loved a woman so much I wanted nothing more than to put my willy in her face till she looked like Donald Duck and couldn’t pronounce the word “hot” anymore and instead said “hawt”. She totally broke my heart too but I don’t break easily. I went down to Soho with my friend Jack and before long we met a girl called Cinabun who smelled like cocoa butter, baby powder and money. Her booty was so big and round it made my eyes water like an onion. We did so many new things I couldn’t look myself in the eye for days after. I almost married her before I realized that wasn’t her real name and she had no intentions of going to college at all with all the money I was giving her. That’s it, that’s the end of the story. See? Easy peezy. 

Now where were we? Ah yes. Let’s find your magic lamp shall we? You know how people always say “it’s always in the last place you’d look” when they’d lost something and found it? Well, let’s do that. Let's look somewhere you'd never look. Let’s look inside your head – it’s in there, I promise. In fact I’ve seen it, and don’t ask me how. As usual we’ll do a little exercise; and then we’ll get to the news story. Oh wait, I’ll give you the gift I promised you first, and then we'll go to the news.

Okay let’s do it. This one is really quick and easy. Close your eyes and count from 1 to 8. Now, do it backwards, from 8 to 1. Now, add this up: 1234 + 5678… Got it yet? How about now? Okay take your time, I’ll wait… … …

What number have you got? Write it in the comments section so the whole world knows how smart you are. Now we’re going to do the opposite as well: 5678 – 1234 … subtract that…. Got it yet? How about now? Okay take your time, I’ll wait… …. …. Now hold the result of the subtraction in your head until it crystalizes into a really bright exciting white neon sign with a square border that's got slightly rounded edges. 

The result of the first calculation is 6912 and the second is 4444. These are really important numbers in numerology. The first, 6912, to cut a long story short, means divine guidance. A state of mind in which the tangible material things of the world no longer move one, but rather, with enough practice one eventually becomes able draw or repel them as required with very little effort, just faith. If you don’t like this number you can reject it and rebuke it by reassuring yourself that your boss pays your bills. If you like it you can think to yourself “my supply comes directly from God". You can replace the word God with "the universe", or "the angels", or "above", or "love", or any other similar word  of your choice - any word except "me", because if you don't know the true meaning of "ME", it could be prove to be the dirtiest and most dangerous word in the world to you if used improperly; as you'll come to realize as you discover more about your magic lamp in the future if you haven't discovered already. The second number, 4444, to cut a long story short means, leads to, results in, or stems from "love" most of the time in its most basic interpretation. It represents stability, order, conscientiousness and determination. If you ever wondered what Jay-z’s 4:44 album meant, it probably wasn’t time – it was this: love and wholeness. (Remember I told you successful people never tell). It means your connection with the divine guidance that the first number we explored 6912 is really strong and as a result good times and good things are coming your way really fast. So buckle up. 

Now think about it, why did you come here today? What were you doing? What were you thinking? Who told you to come here? Were you divinely guided here so that you could receive this awesome gift I’m about to give you? I think you were. So here it is, it’s a magic wand with the 4444 neon sign you created in your imagination while you were calculating earlier on right at the tip of it. I know I said it was tangible, but remember 6912 is a state of mind where the tangible things of the world no longer move a person. Who needs a fancy physical magic stick, when you’re not 50 Cent or some gay fairy waving it around arrogantly with one hand on hip so everyone can see how awesome you are and try to steal it when you’re sleeping or f*cking. F*ck that! This one is better, it’s in your head where nobody can get it. You can use it to open any door of your choice at any given moment – just think love, ONLY love. It’s magic, I promise. Try it now and see. Wave it at the most annoying person you know right now like those placards people carry during protests. And see how amazing you feel as the resentment and awful feelings you once felt float away and open the way for the blessings you had unknowingly been blocking to flood in. Did you know that most Walls of Jericho are built predominantly on resentment and hatred? Yep, now you know. Every time you hate someone or something you are reinforcing your Wall of Jericho, the notorious wall that is blocking your blessings. So stop it, and #JustLove, only love. Okay? Promise? Remember to keep your magic wand in mind everywhere you go so no one can ever make you rebuild your Wall of Jericho, it’s very important. And remember, the neon sign on your magic wand says 4444, not LOVE. It means love only in its most fundamental interpretation. To get an idea of what it looks like, draw it on a piece of paper. Write four 4s right next to each other. Connect the horizontal parts of the 4s in the middle with a horizonal line. Now join the vertical stems protruding from the bottom of each 4 with a horizontal line at the bottom. That’s the neon sign at the top. Now put a vertical line in the middle of the bottom horizontal line. That’s the stick. There you have it – your magic stick. Oops!! I mean magic wand. If you’ve drawn it right it should look like those old TV antennas that used to be placed on the roofs of houses before cable and Netflix. Why do you think it looks like that? What do antennas do? Attract, receive, detect and send signals right? Almost like a magnet wouldn’t you say? Aha!! Remember Magneto? Of course you do. If you don’t know Magneto you’d better rush to my previous post by clicking here to find out (don't worry it opens in a new window so you can easily close it and come back here once you've finished reading it). Are you starting to get an idea of what Magneto is about?

Okay that’s it for today's exercise. You totally get it, I can tell. We’ll talk more about it next time.

Now, I know I said I only had one gift but I lied, I’ve got two. This one is tangible and you may or may not like it but I feel like I must give it to you, I can't help myself - it’s a hickey. In the spirit of love, I’m sending you one right now. It’s totally innocent, I promise. It should appear in a minute or so. You don’t have to explain it to anybody. Just tell them “it’s all love” and they’ll totally understand. So here it goes: “MMMMMMMMWAH!!” Check your neck in like 5 minutes and you’ll see it. Unfortunately you won’t see it if you’re a guy, you're black or you're Indian, or you come from anywhere where skin tanning and anal bleaching are free, and there are live farm animals roaming the streets freely yet somehow people still go hungry for many many years. I totally never understood that (I’d totally steal one if it was me, and convince myself it’s a blessing from God). I’d never given money to charity before until someone explained it to me. Every time I saw one of those ads with the babies with the really big stomachs I convinced myself that their bellies were really full so I didn’t have to give away my hard earned money. Now that I know how hard it is to catch a chicken, I totally understand it would be absolutely impossible to catch a real live goat on an empty stomach (🤦‍♂️, "SMH"). Since we’ve talked about them, I hope you give some money to charity today to empower your magic wand. I just did it now while ordering my "Kim Kardashian Blow Up Doll With Newly Reconditioned Vagina And Butt Hole" on Amazon. Don’t ask m-kay, don’t get all up in my business. PS: I’m totally not obsessed with Kim Kardash, I promise. Now, let’s do the news thingy.

She’s been hailed as London’s most exciting indie pop star, and singer songwriter Saachi Sen, who performs solo as well as as the lead singer of the band Saachi, is held close to the hearts of so many UK music lovers. With songs like “Heal”, her debut single; “Facebook Stalker” and “Fairy Lights”, she sang her way into the hearts of many unsuspecting music fans locally and nationally, and even caught the attention of music industry insiders far and wide. She has gone on to enjoy a very successful independent music career, played every self-respecting music venue in London and the South East, and blazed the stage at some of the UK’s biggest music festivals. With so many critically acclaimed records under her belt and so many big achievements achieved single-handedly, there’s no doubt that she’ll be a thrill to watch on the big stage, and that day draws closer with every passing moment. 

This week Saachi announced that she’ll be playing at the prestigious Big Love Festival in South Wales. The annual 3 day summer music festival takes place from the 14th to 16th of July this year. With at least 5 stages, and some of the UK’s top music acts including The Skints, Nubiyan Twist, Subgiant, CVC, Mad Apple Circus, Midnight Zu, Johnny Cage & The Voodgroove, Funke And The Two Tone Baby, BRWYMS, Luke RV, Minas, Mr Phormula, Guilty By Association, Ms Faithee, Tara Bandito, Cerys Hafana, SZWE, Hemes, Badly Withdrawn Boyo, DJ Marky, DJ Yoda, A.Skillz, DJ Moneyshot, Madame Electrifie, Not So Junior Jungle, Bang’n’Mash, MR Kimber, Dull Boy Roy, Sausage Finger, Nutzo, Marcus Allen & MC NRG, Bloxon, Nick Terrific, Marc Heatley, DJ Neil Diamond, Jimanoli, Oisin, Natty Lou, Katalyst B2B Ranson, Double A Side, Tank Howls, Lindz, Monaghan, The Orb, Gene On Earth, Marc Parsons, Matt Owen, Lee Graves, Clare James, Ellis Davies, Aled Wynne Alex Taylor, Dave Llewellyn, Paul Blandford, Shaun Edwards, Luke Tainton, TYWI – Jmes Wilkinson, Knoll Beach, Rumple & Kye, Jack Darwin, Lewis James, Dan Knight, Corey & Deena, Hywel – Ellist, Bodhi, Kaptin Barratt, Neil F***ing Young, YMSP (Yo Momma So Phat), DJ Jaffa, Disco Concierge, Paul Lyons, DJ Lady Casita, DJ Comfort, Mikee Snooze, Dealo Brown, Max Galactic, T-Dowg Gazillionaire, Dave Grooveslave, Tom Auton & Bottlebreakers, Banshi, Jack Ellis & Band, Mojo Jnr, SWYN, True Foxes, Fathom, Ecklectic Mick, Tomos Lewis, Blue Evolution, Scruffy Monkey, DJ Mr Mase, Loafus, Vella, Zed Regal, Kaysha Louvan, AFBOB, Bryony Sier, AKA Mr B, Ennio Maccaroni, Dave Morris, To Bear Sir, Abbie Jebbers, Alex Davies, Daisymae Music, Dan Holland, Jess Marie and The Regiments, just to name a few; with comedy, spoken word and an award-winning circus performance, it’s definitely one to look out for. As usual you can get your tickets now on the Skunk Radio Live Events page where you can also find other exciting upcoming Saachi Sen concert tickets and dates. Just select "Events" from the main menu at the top of this page. 

Saachi Sen’s latest single “The Gap” was released on the 19th of August last year. It was her most successful record to date and it has opened a lot of new doors for her and her new band. It was also her first single under her new moniker Saachisen (i.e. without the space). The record quickly reached over 100,000 streams on Spotify and the numbers have been climbing quicker and quicker every day since. If you haven’t heard the record I don’t know what to say to you, except maybe “what the hell have you been listening to on Spotify that those nosy, stalking algorithms didn’t recommend it to you at some point?” and “I hope it hasn’t been too hot under that rock where you’ve been living”, he-he-he, just kidding. 

Saachi has announced that she’ll be releasing two new singles with a headline show at the popular live music venue Star Of Kings in Kings Cross, London on the 24th of May. I hope you won’t miss that too. Mark your calendar now m-kay? Again, tickets and venue information are available on the Skunk Radio Live Events page, so grab one now while you can. And don’t worry your rock will still be there when you get back, he-he-he, JK. Stream the music video of the new single “The Gap” in the YouTube player below or alternatively head over to SRLTV by selecting "Music Videos" from the main menu at the top of this page. You’ll also find other exciting music videos, behind the scenes clips, interviews, concert footage and more by Saachi. Once you are done, you can also head over to SRL Music by selecting "Music" from the main menu at the top of this page. In that section of the site you’ll be able to find all Saachi’s songs and albums, listen to them directly on Spotify without leaving the site AND find links to listen on other music streaming and download platforms.

Okay I really need to wee now, I didn’t want to say anything before but I’ve been holding it and I can’t anymore. 

Remember to keep the gift I gave you really close at all times. Make sure you protect it and never show it to anybody or tell anybody about it. 

Have a wonderful day. See you tomorrow, or whenever we meet again. I don’t go to work everyday anymore. I tried it once and I got so exhausted – do people actually do that? Yuk, yuk, yuk – NEVER!

Alright bye. Love you!