If you really love Jesus; this probably isn’t the place God wants you to be right now

INTERVIEWS

HIP HOP NEWS

22-03-2023 14:36 GMT

NO MORE RED TAPES

Music industry update | Mississippi, USA | Indie artist, Coolidge

"Put the kid on one more time!", those were the only words that could express SXSW's appreciation of what was experienced when hip hop artist Drevo Coolidge blazed the stage in front of an unsuspecting crowd on the 18th of March at Club Teller, Austin, Texas, USA. But we'll get back to that music news story a little bit later. First, I've got some important stuff I need to get off my chest. You'll love it, I promise - I mean them ("wink, wink"). 

I wasn’t going to come in to work today, to be honest. I felt like I was looking a little chunky in the dress I had picked out for Wednesday - almost like 50 Cent at the last Super Bowl, but with perkier breasts, he-he-he.  But while I was making brownies after my morning coffee I caught the Holy Ghost (or something) and it brought me straight to you. 

Welcome! I hope you are having a wonderful day. If you are not, we’re about to change that. If you are… I’m sorry to tell you, but it could go either way from here. 

My previous music news article got a lot of people really angry so I’m going to try to be a little gentler with my words today. Just kidding, I totally won’t. In fact here’s a little disclaimer for you before we get started, and I’m saying it out of love and in the nicest way possible: if you really love Jesus; this probably isn’t the place God wants you to be right now. And no, not just when the cops pull you over and you've been drinking, and plus you're on EVERYTHING, but every time. AND you go to church EVERY Sunday (not just on Easter Sunday when you've go a new suit). I’m sorry to have to break it to you so plainly but if you don’t leave right now you’re gonna feel like you sat on a Sneakers bar accidentally after reading this. AND you'll totally love it, to make matters worse. [Read my previous article here to find out why everyone was so mad.] I’m not saying you’ll be gay, I’m just saying I’m about to say some really f*cked up stuff that will make sitting on a Sneakers bar by mistake not seem so bad. I haven’t written it yet but I can feel it coming, like in that Phil Collins song “In The Air Tonight”. Or wait, who sang that song, DMX? Hold on let me Google it. Ah, I see: Lil’ Kim, Ray Wilson, Lostprophets, and more than 87 other musicians and bands I’ve never heard of, plus Phil Collins who originally wrote the song, and DMX who sampled it. To cut a long story short, you’re gonna be more depressed than that Stan guy in that Eminem song, “Stan”. Or wait, who sang that one again? Dildo? Dido? Canibus? WTF! I hate when people borrow songs, like that Kanye West guy, and that Poof Daddy guy too (Oops!! Did I do that? Just kidding, I love Diddy). Just write your own music m-kay? That's all I'm saying. To me, sampling a song is like breaking into somebody’s house and stealing all their good sh*t, and then offering to pay them a little cut of what you sold it for. Am I lying? Isn’t that what they’re doing essentially? He-he-he.

Okay let’s get right into it. Don’t worry we’ll get into the news story right after this, I promise. This is really important stuff that I need to get off my chest first. I hate that Shaq’s girlfriend is regular people’s size. Isn’t that so annoying? Shouldn't he be married to Sasquatch or Godzilla or somebody like that? Nothing that big will fit in any hole, how do they have sex in the armpit? That’s the only place I can think of that will work. Like in that famous Elephant Joke – that should give you a good picture. Wait, don’t tell me you haven’t heard the Elephant Joke. (“Sigh”) What are they teaching you kids in school these days?! I bet you haven’t heard the Mercedes Benz joke either. WHAT?!! Arrrghh! I can’t believe this. Okay I’ll tell you. Well actually I can’t tell you – they’re visual jokes so you’ll have to watch them on YouTube. Here’s the Elephant Joke. And Here’s the Mercedes Benz Joke. When you come back here we will be on the same page and everything I say from here will make total sense to you even though you’d never really thought about it. Like finding out Shaq’s treadmill is the entire length of a football field. 

I was thinking about some of the weird stuff Millennials have said to me in the past that I don't understand. Like: “That’s so lit”... "Sheesh!!"... "Cigarettes are bad, let's smoke these air fresheners instead and call them something cool that sounds like Darth Vader"... and ... "I'm a vegan, I only eat p*ssy on Sundays when Jesus is resting" ... or how about this one? it's my favourite ...  "let's save the planet, but let's burn all this sweet grass first so we can get really high while we're doing it - we'll plant more, promise" ... and ... “your mum is so hawt” ... and ... "let's shit in each other's mouths and call it Milk And Cookies" - seriously, Google Milk And Cookies and see if you ever eat Oreos again. And don't confuse it with Cookies And Milk, which is still disgusting but it's not the same thing at all. You might think I'm making a fuss but trust me, you'll never be the same again if someone you loved and trusted ever tried to shit in your mouth when you least expected it because they thought you knew and were down with the game plan. And there's even weirder stuff they say, like: “tattoos make your d*ck look bigger” and my favourite one: “being gay is trendy”. Okay I know you’ve probably never heard them saying the last two; but I know they’re thinking it. And I respond in thought as well, and an expressionless face like Dua Lipa's: “No, it doesn’t!”, and "f*ck no, being gay is not trendy - people have been being gay for many many years”. Haven’t you heard that Bible passage? You know, THAT Bible passage? Wink, wink, wink. I’m pretty sure whoever wrote it didn’t mean to say it like that, but it was SOOO Gay when I heard it first. In fact when I heard it I got up immediately and walked straight out of the church right in the middle of the mass. I’ve never been back ever since. I’m not going back until somebody fixes that passage. We were in the middle of the third reading and all I heard was: “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat me, you shall have no life in you”. It’s John 6:53, get a Bible and read it for yourself, I didn’t make that up. It’s worded differently in different Bibles but say what you want, I know what I heard, and I’m sticking with it. Okay to be honest, I’m starting to doubt my recollection a bit now so I’m going to bow out of this topic awkwardly when you least expect it – I drink really hard on Saturday nights sometimes, a Saturday night is such a terrible thing to waste. Darn, I knew I shouldn’t have been writing while I was making brownies, it never goes well – last time I dropped my good stylus in the toilet bowl as I was getting up and I had to retrieve it because I needed it for work that day. Aaaarrghhh, does this mean I have to start going to church again? Fuuckkk!!! This is so annoying, I was getting really good at sinning .. Now I have to start paying taxes again and washing my hands when I pee... and stop kissing my friends sometimes to see if I'm still straight after watching MTV for one whole hour (yes, I am - straighter than Indian hair) ... And start paying for parking... and wearing underwear.. and really long skirts... aaargggh! This is BS! Let’s get right down to this news story shall we? 

Today’s music news story features none other than fast-rising Mississippi, US rapper Drevo Coolidge. Things have really been heating up in his career of late and we are watching closely every step of the way to make sure we never miss a beat or even worse, a hit. His new album “Blck Tape” is trending everywhere so if you haven’t got it make sure you check it out on Spotify, Apple Music or whatever music service you use to discover and listen to music. Make sure you add it to all your hip hop playlists too – it’s a classic that you never want to forget, in fact you won’t be able to. Drevo performed on the 18th and 19th at the prestigious SXSW music festival and conference at Club Teller and Soho Lounge respectively. Prior to the event, while in Austin, Texas, he sat down with Gawdcast TV for a long interview and discussed everything that's going on in his career right now, the new album, future plans and everything fans need to know. Watch the full interview below.

Explicit.

Close your eyes - it's darker than that

NEW MUSIC

HIP HOP NEWS

18-03-2023 03:29 GMT

PURPLE PAIN

Music industry update | Wisconsin, USA | Indie artist, Daiyon

Hello and welcome to my little playground, I’m so happy you came. To be honest with you I’ve been expecting you, I knew you’d come. That’s what I’m really happy about, that I was right. But enough about me, how are you doing? How’s your day? Discover anything new and exciting yet? If you haven’t, that’s about to change really fast. If you have, then I’m about to blow your mind sky high, since it has already been primed. 

I’m "the ideas guy" here in the SRL writers room. I don’t write smut, I don’t talk about religion, I don’t talk about money - unless someone is thinking about giving me some; and to be honest with you I’m not in pursuit of mass appeal when I write – it’s totally cool though and I’m sure I will go viral many times before long. My aim as a writer is to create ideas, that’s it. An idea is the most important thing in the whole entire universe. Did you know that? Everything starts with an idea, EVERYTHING. So you’ll be glad you came here today. I know I started by saying "welcome to my little playground" but it’s not little at all - I watched Scarface too many times. It’s vast, and dark, very dark. Close your eyes – it's darker than that. This is really serious stuff we are about to explore, so buckle up. I said we were gonna create ideas right? But how are we gonna do that? We’re going to assume that every idea comes from a brain cell, an "ideas" brain cell let's say, because as I'm sure you can imagine, there are probably many, many types. We’re going to try to create one "ideas" brain cell each time you come here. That sounds pretty simple and straight forward doesn’t it? So let’s get right down to it shall we? And oh by the way, we’re going to name each of these brain cells we create to make them fun and exciting, and also easy to remember. Let’s call the one we’re going to create today Magneto. What do you think? Pretty catchy ey? 

Now, the easiest way to tell if or when Magneto has arrived is if you get a new idea. You’ll find yourself being compelled to do something, it may be something you’ve tried before or something entirely new. You may find yourself reading a book or searching for information somewhere you never thought to look, or downloading an app, or watching a video. But don’t forget, you’ll only get an idea from this exercise m-kay? Nothing else, except maybe a rush. Alright, let’s do it shall we? 

Now, who’s your favourite person in the world? Someone that’s guaranteed to put a smile on your face every single time. And don’t say Miley Cyrus, she’s mine. If you don’t have a favourite person, where is your favourite place in the world? And if you don’t have a favourite place, what makes you feel good? Okay, now hold that thought…

Hold it…

Hold it…

Breathe deep, and breathe out like you just met that favourite person or arrived at that favourite place, or did that thing you like to do. 

Okay you’re ready. 

What’s another word for infinite? Any word, there’s no wrong answer, I promise… 

Really think about it…

Think…

Deeper…

Got one? Let’s go. What did you pick? Limitless? Endless? Huge? Immeasurable? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? Humongous? All great answers but not as great as the answer I’ll give you in a minute or two once we’ve explored a few exciting topics like we’ll be doing every time we meet here to create ideas. 

As I mentioned before, I’m so happy to have you here today. I’m wearing my lime green mankini right now. Not for you, but I just couldn’t resist mentioning it. They’re so soft and comfortable. No one else in the office knows I’m wearing it so let it be our little secret. I know I need to explain, so I’ll just go right ahead and do that so you don’t get weirded out and leave.

My boss is a total weirdo. Really hot, and smells AMAZEBALLS, but I’ve never seen her smile. She always has that look on her face like she suspects you’ve been up to no good, and it’s been at her expense. Like the whole world is planning something behind her back or something. Sometimes when she ends a conversation and leaves she turns around really fast while she’s walking away to see if she catches you doing something behind her back. Every month, around about the second week, or later sometimes, she pops up and selects someone at random. She kicks in the office door and yells out “you, drop down and gimme twenty”. It’s not always twenty, sometimes it’s more sometimes less, and no one has ever been able to give her as many push ups (or whatever exercise) as she has demanded. Not because the number is large but because no one is ever prepared and an item of clothing usually gets ripped or damaged in the process, which is never cool. Oh wait that’s cool now, I forgot. In fact the other day I was so excited to be going to lunch I put my jacket on too fast and ripped the armpit. My first reaction was “Fuck!! my new jacket”, then I remembered and thought to myself – “kids are buying torn clothes now, this is totally fine”. I was totally the coolest person in the office that day. The minute I stepped out of my door I was getting compliments left, right and centre. What a weird day that was. I’ve been saving money on clothes ever since, in fact the socks I’m wearing right now has so many holes in it you’d think they were Madonna’s gloves. The upside is anyone who fails the task is sent home and told to take the rest of the week off – everyone loves that part and is perfectly happy to fail, but not me. So anyway I decided to be prepared because I have a feeling there is a price or something to be gained by whoever completes the task, whether it’s ten or a hundred push ups. I’m a sucker for a price and I WANT IT! To cut a long story short I’ve been wearing this mankini for two weeks straight. I wear it underneath and then take off my clothes once I’m at my desk. I keep my socks and shoes on obviously. I will be ready when that moment comes and whatever the price is, IT WILL BE MINE! M-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!! (“villain voice”).

Now, let’s get back to the question I ask you earlier quickly. I can sense you’re getting a little impatient and starting to suspect that this is just a Kanye West style rant that is going absolutely nowhere really slowly. I’m going somewhere with this, I promise. In fact we’re already there. 

As I mentioned earlier, my task today with this little music news article was pretty simple - crucial, but simple. My task was to help you create one new brain cell that will give you an idea. I know you’ve got many and I know you’re creating more and more every second, even as we speak; but this one is a very special one we’re going to create, in fact I have a feeling you might have created it already. Have you? Okay don’t tell me yet, let’s continue. This new brain cell already has a purpose and a destiny even though we technically haven’t created it yet - YOU haven’t created it yet, or maybe you have and you didn’t even know it. The brain cell’s task would be to formulate a single idea centred around that word you chose at the start of the article when I asked you for another word for infinite. What word did you pick? Make sure you remember it because you’ll be coming across it again sometime today, maybe even tomorrow, or later. And it will come with a BIG idea too because infinite is a really big word. Make sure you don’t ignore anything that seems unachievable or too great today because you can totally do it. 

By the way, would you like to know what word I picked? 

Of course you do. 

“Round”, that’s the word I picked. You’d have to have a really special dictionary to find the word round and infinite together, but trust me on that one - it's perfect.

Do you know that every time you encounter a new problem and have to find a solution to it you have to create a brain cell in the way we just did? Assuming we succeeded, that is. Of course you do, or else you wouldn't be here, reading this. Or maybe you didn’t know, but I’m pretty sure you suspected something like that was happening behind the scenes inside your head.

My task today has now been completed and we can move on to the music news story you and I both are here for. The reason I picked that task today was to shed light on the fact that with every new gadget invented to solve our problems, humans create less problem solving brain cells – the same brain cells that bring about big ideas, geniuses, and other intelligent stuff. AI is coming, in fact it’s already here. So you’ll need to be really sharp to remain relevant, we’ll all need to be. When I thought about how ridiculous it was that I had worn the same mankini for four weeks (I know I said two – I lied, I didn’t want you to think I was absolutely bonkers) while I was looking in the mirror and adjusting my bits, I realised my boss was just keeping us on our toes and helping us to keep generating new "ideas" brain cells and stay sharp by presenting us with an unpredictable situation that would always keep us thinking. It really got me thinking, and I might have created a new brain cell that gave me the idea to tell someone else (YOU) about the great revelation I had. Ideally you in turn will do the same thing, and then the person you tell will also be compelled to do the same, and tell someone who will tell someone, and the cycle will continue - round and round, and round and round, and round and round again. Remember the word I said I picked earlier as a synonym for infinite? ROUND. See? Clever ey? Capeesh?

Now let’s get right down to this music news story shall we? Now that I’m completely satisfied that I’ve totally boggled your mind and left you astounded – my main goal every time I pick up a pen to write. Yes! (“fist pump emoji”)

Wait, something tells me you were expecting more on the topic of that brain cell you were going to create - Magneto. There’s no more to be said, either you created it at some point during the course of this article or not. If you did, you’ll know. Hold that word you chose in your mind and if you remember it at some point after you’ve forgotten about it, you probably did – and your big idea will arrive at some point. Write in the comment section when it arrives okay? 

Okay the music news story now, I think my boss has arrived and is circling, and may be heading this way anytime now. Shhh!!! Let's do this quick. 

The new album “Purple Pain” by one of the most watched and most talked about emerging Wisconsin, US rapper Daiyon was released to critical acclaim on the 7th of March, 2023, just over 11 days ago. It follows a series of highly praised records by the fast-rising underground hip hop star that have left critics, fellow rappers, fans, and the industry as a whole lost for words. It’s his third album three years in a row, and each one has grossly surpassed its predecessor and left every listener with nothing left to wish for. Daiyon has been praised for his authenticity and originality since the start of his career several years ago. His creativity seems to know no bounds and he leaves no stone unturned in exploring his seemingly limitless artistic potential to paint the perfect picture every single time. With singles like “We Live”, “Hands Up” and “See Me Now”, he put his name on the map as one of the next big names in hip hop. He has evolved progressively every year since, and more so especially during the last 3 years. The new album “Purple Pain” is now in the Top 100 and Top 200 iTunes Charts and continues to rise quickly. “Purple Pain” is available to stream and download on Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon Music and all popular digital music streaming and discovery platforms. Listen to the full album in the Spotify music player below. 

As usual, there will be a thorough review of the full 13 track album on SRL Reviews in the coming weeks. 

Have a genius day, from me “the ideas guy” and the rest of the team here at the SRL writers room. See you tomorrow.

Explicit.

Shhh! Don't tell anyone...

NEW MUSIC VIDEOS

HIP HOP NEWS

13-03-2023 16:22 GMT

BACK TO THE …

Music industry update | North Carolina, USA | Indie artist, Yung Rackz

The other day I read one of the other writers here say something about never having had writer's block and bragging about it like a little twat. Being a writer and saying you’ve never had writer’s block is like a teenager saying they’ve never had a pimple. The other day I saw a young lad with a huge pimple ON TOP of another pimple. It was disgusting. It made me so annoyed. I told him to look the other way and then I pounced on him and tried to pop it (or them). I managed to pop only one but it was really satisfying. 

But where were we? Ah yes, the newbie who says he’s never had writer’s block. I’m sure he’s in the writer’s chat room and is reading this article live as I'm writing it right now but I’ll continue talking about him anyway. Aha, here come the egg plant emojis telling me I'm a "you know what". I knew it, he's here. I’ve read many of his articles and I’m certain he’s had it many times, he was just too much of a newbie to know he was having it – and yes, that’s possible. It’s possible to be absolutely wrong and not even know it. Like when I used to tell Jehovah’s Witnesses they were full of shit and give them a sachet of laxatives before slamming the door and going back to sleep on Sunday mornings. I thought they were f*ing with me when they told me I had to kick a bucket first and then wet someone's beak a little bit before I could meet MY OWN lord and saviour, so I thought it was only right I f*cked with them back. Right? Well, as it turns out, nope! That's childish. But let’s not get into that now mkay. Anyway, that’s that as per that – every writer has had writer’s block. I don’t care if you are William Shakespeare or Jane Austen; or that Harry Potter lady, what’s her name again? I know, who gives a f* right? After what she said about the ... em.. em... The ... Okay I'm lost for words, they've changed their names more times than Puff Daddy and I don't want to offend them by saying the wrong one. But you know who I mean. Let's call them the Teletubbies (because everyone love the Teletubbies) for now so no one knows who we're talking about when we say it mkay? Shhh! Don't tell anyone. I mean, gays have been calling their butt holes p*ssies since the dawn of time, that's not news. And who cares? That’s nothing to get upset or jealous about. Just take care of yours like you’ve been doing, and just deal with it children's book lady, m-kay? There’s so much going on in the world right now, let’s move on before I hit a backlash sweet spot. Wait, have I hit it? I hope not. Let’s move on QUICK!

I hate to tell you this but I feel like I should be honest with you. I’m totally hung over right now, and I’m not sure if I might say some things that may offend you so I’ll try to keep this brief and segue into the music news story of the day as smoothly and as comfortably for you as possible. I thought I had writer’s block in the morning then I remember I was at this wild party last night and I totally got wasted. To cut a long story short, I took the train to work this morning and I’ve just downloaded this “find my car” app thingy because I did the right thing and didn’t drive home last night after the party – mainly because I couldn’t find my car, but whatever. I hate to be the one to say it but London’s South Eastern railway network needs to step up their game. That was the slowest journey I’ve ever had my entire life. At some point I felt like getting out onto the tracks and pushing the train so it could move a little quicker, good lord it was annoying. I’m not proud of it but I totally passed out owing to the build up of rage and all the alcohol and stuff that was inside me. I woke up ages later and we were only at the next stop. There was a homeless man sitting right opposite me when I woke up. He was looking straight at me, and he was eating my sandwich and using my laptop. I was FURIOUS. I didn’t see the laptop at the time but he was looking down at his laps every now and again and fiddling around. I thought he was probably just having an erection or something. There was a table in-between us so I couldn't see what was going on. I screamed at him “WTF are you doing? That’s my sandwich!!”. And he responded calmly, as if I was bothering him, “I thought you were done with it”. I screamed back at him, “It wasn’t even opened yet!!!”. He said “Yeah I know, I had to open it obviously”. And then he paused mid-bite, apologised and handed it back to me, "Here, you want it back? I'm sorry".  I was so steamed. I smacked it away, crossed my arms and pouted like a sissy. I didn't know what to do, I wasn't about to fight a dirty homeless man. As he stood up to leave the train at the next stop I noticed my laptop and said “You f*cker!! That’s my laptop too!!”. He said “No, it’s a tablet”. I wasn’t gonna get into an argument with him, I just grabbed it “Gimme by my tablet you bastard”. He left. I suddenly realised we had been the only ones in the carriage all along. I wiped it down furiously with some antibacterial wipes. 

When I opened my tablet I was shocked to discover he had written this article and stopped at the end of the previous paragraph where I started telling the story. It was amazing when I read it and I didn’t change a thing. That wasn’t the first time I met my lord and saviour. The first time I met him, I was in Jamaica sitting under a palm tree burning a really big bush, but that’s another story. Prior to party, and the whole incident after, I remember leaving the office early in the day suspecting I was coming down with writer’s block – I was. So I did what I’d normally do when I come down with it - absolutely nothing. I sat down in a comfortable chair and watched the clock tick for a while, and then it came to me. The message I have been commissioned by the universe to deliver to you today, which you’ve been eagerly anticipating even without knowing it was here. And it is this: you’re only ever right at the right time. If you suck, buy a watch, and watch it really closely – your life could change. Personally, I never wear a watch. But then again I don’t suck at all, in fact I’m awesome. I had writer’s block because I was writing on a Sunday afternoon when I knew I was supposed to be having a happy ending massage and eating Skittles, in preparation for the week ahead. Oops!! I meant a spa day, obviously; and eating Skittles. I was doing it at the wrong time so it wasn't happening. Sometimes I sneak into the office when no one is there to get a little extra work in so I can get ahead of my competitors. I know it’s a bad habit but I’m working on it. So there you have it, my message for you today – “You are only ever right at the right time”. I don’t know why the universe wanted you to know that but I’m sure you know. Now let’s get right down to this exciting music news story I’ve been waiting to tell you about. This is so awesome, you’re gonna love it.

He's without doubt one of the most successful and most influential underground hip hop artists out of  North Carolina, USA in over a decade, and Yung Rackz is not slowing down or stopping anytime soon. Taking the region by storm with the release of the critically acclaimed single “Back In The Day” several years ago, Rackz has persistently blazed a trail and is ranked number one by most, if not all self-respecting hip hop music critics and fans who know anything about rap music. Defying all expectations every single time, the Winston Salem sensation has over 25 critically acclaimed records under his belt including more than 9 albums. He was even co-signed by legendary award-winning hip hop artist Jadakiss back in 2020 when he released the massive “Trapademic” mixtape which has become one of his most talked about records to date and is still getting a lot of love even after 2 subsequent, also highly acclaimed full length albums – “Lost Tapes” in 2022; and his latest “Blessing Out The Trap”, a massive 17 track album which was released back in January and is causing pandemonium everywhere. 

On the 11th of March, Rackz released the music video for “Back 2 Da Block”, which sits in position number 12 of his latest album “Blessing Out The Trap” and which continues to receive rave reviews and abundant radio airplay. The new music video is available to stream and download on YouTube and other music video streaming platforms, as well as selected indie music promotion platforms. But don’t worry, you don’t need to go anywhere. Just scroll down below to watch it right here right now.

Okay! So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I’d like to wish you a very joyous, prosperous and harmonious day. See you tomorrow. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Explicit.

Everything is SHEET!

NEW MUSIC

HIP HOP NEWS

03-03-2023 15:30 GMT

BLCK TAPE

Music industry update | Mississippi, USA | Indie artist, Coolidge

I feel really dirty right after I’ve done my best work. Is that weird? I’m not a coal worker or a masseuse or anything that requires much sweating or meeting or touching other people, or other people touching me; but when I sit down and write and it’s better than the last time I did it, I feel filthy and disgusting, like I’ve just purged something that needed to be purged. Does that ever happen to you?

Let me explain. When I first arrived at the SRL Music News room on my first day at work, the first thing I noticed was that there was a shower right on the left of the entrance. I thought to myself "that’s awkward, I'm never showering here". I've never been more wrong. And then I looked closer and saw a small sign that read “no ball games, mkay?”. I thought to myself “what kind of sick twisted homophobic place is this?” I went in to investigate and my eyes were immediately met by a well-built man walking out of a shower stall with a really small towel, almost the size of a face cloth on his shoulder. He was grabbing his crouch like they do on MTV, and rubbing it a little bit like Michael Jackson, as if he was feeling something owing to some really deep thoughts. He had really piercing eyes and when he noticed someone staring out of his peripheral he didn’t even stop to pay any attention. It was Monday morning so I thought to myself again “what the f* IS this place?” After spending ten plus years at SRL, I finally appreciate the importance of the shower. I’m about to be really awesome right now. So buckle up! I’m gonna need a really long shower after this. 

When people ask me how I became such an amazing and successful writer my response is the same every time. “F* off! And F* You for asking”. I don’t say it to them but I’m thinking it, he-he-he. Then I respond with something really ambiguous and abstruse, and walk off leaving them in a state of shock and confusion while simultaneously trying to decipher my clever or meaningless words. My new intern asked me that last week, I totally f*cked his head up with the answer I gave him. He still looks at me funny and tries not to make eye contact. Now, imagine you are an overenthusiastic, overambitious, really hot teenage boy (not cool hot - sweaty hot, you know from all the raging hormones and the persistent boners that need to be tamed), dressed from head to toe in Armani but with a bus pass sticking out of your back pocket and the outline of a condom that you obviously carry everywhere vaguely noticeable in your shirt pocket. I’ve been there, I know, that’s totally not weird – you wanna be ready whenever and WHEREVER the moment arrives right? You'd hate to miss a perfectly good opportunity to play your first round of golf because of something as silly as not bringing a hat. That’s totally cool, but that’s not your size silly boy. ("Patting you on the head with a pitiful smile - in my mind - in your imagination of this scenario. "). You just graduated from music school and you are so ambitious, so determined you’d put hot sauce on your ear and fight Mike Tyson to make it in the music business, if that's what it takes. So you ask your boss (me), who by the way you look up to and think is so cool…and smells really awesome all the time too: “I read your last article, it was so amazing. How’d you become such a great writer?” I got pissed off! I looked you straight in the eyes and then pierced your soul ever so gently with my rage, just a little bit - so you could really feel where I was coming from (not to hurt you obviously). And My response was: “You young f*, EVERYTHING IS SH*T! EVERYTHING!”. Then I walked away calmly. I apologised later that day even though I knew the damage had already been done - we're still totally cool. He even bought me coffee the other day. Wait, should I not have drunk it? OMG, I hope he didn't stir it with his willy or put something disgusting inside it. I feel awful now, I think I'm gonna throw up... Oh wait no, I think I'm good, it was just gas... I also felt really bad for calling him Young F*, I had been listening to that old rapper Young Buck of the hip hop crew G-Unit earlier that morning so I just played with the name a little bit and blurted it like a crazy person. He has since adopted it as his rap name and everyone thinks it's really catchy. See? Wasn't all bad after all. Everyone's happy. 

I know you need an explanation for the rest of what I said, so I’ll go ahead and dive right into it. I live my life by a very simple philosophy that most people would generally have the tendency to think is weird, but it’s totally not - I promise. I’m not weird. You think I’m really cool remember? And I smell really good. When was the last time you met someone weird who smelled really good? I know, never right? I’ve never really told anybody but I was really pissed off that day because I had some important stuff to do and I generally hate when people ask me questions. Again that’s totally not weird. That’s just my thing – don’t ask me questions. I believe in the philosophy so strongly that I wrote it on the back of one of my business cards the day I discovered it and I’ve carried it everywhere I've gone ever since. In fact I’ve got it in my chest pocket right now. My philosophy is , and you probably know this already if you know me but it will shed so much light on so many things: “everything is Sh*t”, and if you didn’t understand it the first and the second time – “EVERYTHING, SHYTE!”.

I can only imagine the shock on the face of whoever receives that business card in the event that I accidentally give it to someone, he-he-he. And what is it with people and business cards? Why do they always turn the back of card the minute you give it to them? Try it, give the next person you see your business card and see if they don’t look at the back of it at some point before putting it in their pocket. If you don’t have a business card give them a piece of paper with something written on it and specifically tell them the information they need is only on the front.

But where were we? Ah yes…

Remember at the start of the article when I mentioned that my reaction to that question was to respond with something really ambiguous and abstruse, and walk off leaving the subject in a state of shock and confusion while simultaneously trying to decipher my clever or meaningless words? I was totally going to do that to you, but you’re so persuasive (darn you!), so I’ll explain.

Have you ever bought a new phone? And then after about a year or even less of using it, looked at the old one that you thought was so awesome?

See? There, you have it! Deciphered.

Everything needs improving. If it looks like sh*t a year after you had the new one and it hadn’t changed a bit since the first day you bought it, except for the scratches on the screen and any damage you did to it, then it WAS shit to begin with – you just had nothing better to compare it with. The point is everything needs improving – everyone needs improving. No matter how amazing you are you’ll always have to be better, and if you do look back at your old self the chances of you thinking you were sh*t may not be very slim depending on how much better you’ve become at the time of looking back. So there you have it. Doesn’t seem like such a weird philosophy now does it? But don’t feel bad, that’s nothing to feel bad about, I promise. I totally forgive you.

And finally, to sum things up: the reason I gave that as my response to the question “how’d you become such a great writer?” is that I never like to think about how great I am or how great I want to become – I’d rather think about how much I want to improve. Hence the rage when asked.

Phew! To be honest with you I can’t believe we’ve strayed so far from what you and I both came here for. I would be sorry but I’m not because I’ve just managed to get a huge load off my chest and off my mind. In case you didn’t know already – SRL's writers room runs on a cloud-based collaborative writing software thingy. That means all the writers who bothered to come into work today and do some actual work can see everything I’m writing and can comment and interact anonymously – I’m also anonymous. We’re all anonymous in the cloud but we can easily guess or speculate on who’s writing. So they probably know it's me from my writing style and the things I've said, and I haven’t received a single eggplant emoji through out this writing session. I feel so awesome right now. Oops!! I spoke too soon, here they come – one, two, three eggplant emojis just arrived. Sigh! And I thought I was doing great. Wait yuk!! Someone just kissed one of the eggplant emojis. Yuk, yuk, yuk. I’m getting the hell out of here, there are obviously some sick writers in here today. Oh wait, the news story. Let’s do it.

On the 11th of February, 2 0 23 when Mississippi rapper Drevo Coolidge released what was expected to be his best work to date, after years of evolving progressively and persistently defying the expectations of even the most discerning hip hop music critics, everyone who has followed since the start of his illustrious independent music career knew it was gonna be huge. How huge was the only thing that was uncertain. With songs like “Decimals”, “Can I Have Your Number” - one of his earlier works but still a classic, “Red Alert”, “Vinci Code” , “Passport”, and the list goes on and on and on; Coolidge has defined and redefined himself year after year and is now at a place sonically where some of the greatest rappers in the game right now may only be able to dream of. Creative freedom is what makes independent artists so special to the music industry but when an artist is free to create anything at any given time it is possible for them to stray too far from the sweet spots of the very music fans they make the music for at the time of making it. This is never the case with Coolidge and that’s what makes him so special. That’s also what makes this new release so extra-special according to many critics and fans. It’s everything you didn’t expect to hear yet it sounds so familiar and so natural. The numbers are jumping and “Blck Tape” is being discussed and promoted by almost every self-respecting independent music outlet out there on the wild wild web so of course we’ll be reviewing it in the coming days to tell you how amazing it is and how much more amazing it is than the last major album, “King Drevo” which was released back in 2021, and all the exciting EPs and singles that followed. The new album is available to stream and download on Spotify, Apple Music, Tidal and all popular digital music streaming and download platforms; as well as selected indie/independent/underground/emerging/upcoming music promotion and music discovery platforms.

Of course, as is customary, there are a good number of concert dates lined up to promote the new album. There is even talk of a Blck Tape Tour in the works. As usual, concert tickets, radio dates, online events and details of other live appearances where you can see and/or hear the fast-rising Jackson, Mississippi sensation live in the flesh are available on the Skunk Radio Live Events page. His next live appearance has been scheduled for the 4th of March, 2023 when he will be performing live at the MPV Lounge in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Get your tickets before they're all gone. Alright I think it's time for me to hit the office showers now. It's been emotional. Have a wonderful day, I know I will. See you tomorrow.

Explicit.

Tired of listening to rape music

TALENT SEARCH

SOUL NEWS

02-03-2023 14:55 GMT

CANADIAN MUSIC COLLECTIVE RECRUITING

Music industry update | Ontario, Canada | Indie artist, Brendan Scott Friel

I hate that I have to be the only one saying this here, and I hate to have to do it, but I’m sick of listening to smut every time I turn on the radio. I'm tired of listening to rape music. If I wanted smut I’d go back to my childhood bedroom and fish out my old novels with dodgy characters like Master Bates and Seamen Staines and read them till I fall asleep with a picture of Justin Bieber eating a Popsicle. I don’t know why he’s eating a Popsicle okay, that’s just the image I had in my head when I wrote this.

I mean I love sex, but God damn it! I don’t wanna hear it on the radio!

But you know what really gets me? It's the sound of grown men moaning in my ear at the beginning of every verse and every song. I don’t wanna hear that sh*t anymore, in fact I retired all my Biggie Smalls CDs when I realised he was doing it so much. In this new era of rape music (oops!! I mean rap music), it has taken on a new meaning now for me, and I don’t wanna hear it anymore. “Uuungh, uungh”, or like Rick Ross “Ooofff Ooofff”. What the F* is about to happen here is what anyone with a discerning mind would think right? I'm not getting baby batter in my ears on a Thursday morning on my way to work, that’s just disgusting. No more rape music for me, I’m sick of it. To be honest with you, I still have a really soft spot for female rappers and I’d totally still let Cardi B stick her filthy disgusting tongue in my ear and make any sound she likes – but only for 3 minutes though. And then I’ll push her away, slap her in disgust and tell her “I’m rich bitch, don’t you EVER stick your tongue in my ear again”. I don’t know why I would say that, but again, that’s just what I pictured myself saying in my head when I wrote this.

As I’m sure you can tell, a lot of stuff goes through my head when I’m writing, not just sex stuff. I’m a really deep thinker, in fact by the end of this article you would have discovered an amazing music collective and something new that you never expected to know in this lifetime. Okay maybe it won’t be that spectacular but I’ll make sure you learn something new and exciting for reading this far mkay? The catch is I won’t tell you when I’ve told you, you’ll just feel like you know stuff at the end of the article if you learn what I’m going to teach you. In fact I might have even written it already but I’m not telling. Nobody reads anymore, so you are really special and hence you deserve a little reward for your thirst for knowledge in this highly intelligent and sophisticated universe we live in that’s built entirely on thoughts and ideas. 

Now where were we? Ahh, yes, rape music, oops!! again, I mean rap… and deep thinking. Mn hmnn, let’s continue. Nowadays I refuse to let ambiguous thoughts into my head, they’re a recipe for a bad prayer, and in these difficult and uncertain times we are living in the last thing anyone wants is for God to finally answer their prayer and give them the exact opposite of what they asked for because they weren't clear and specific about what they wanted. You said you wanted a really bad b*tch, now you’ve got one and guess what? She's gorgeous, but she’s also made babies with everybody you know and you just found out she does cocaine and has been selling the sperm from your used condoms at the sperm bank when you fall asleep after sex at night. Yep! That’s pretty much what you’d expect of a really bad bitch. 

So I've stopped using words like “fire” to describe things that are amazing - I just say amazing. And I don't watch men's sports anymore. If Jesus comes back today and asks what I was doing on Friday evening before going to the club I refuse to tell him I went out to the Sports Bar to drink beer and watch many grown men play with balls and roll around on a grass field - he might totally get the wrong idea, he-he-he. 

 That’s why I never wear ripped or dirty jeans too, I’ve never been a bum, why the F* would I want to dress like one? That’s totally insane to me. I know we’ve strayed a little bit from the music news you and I are both here to explore but I just wanted to get that stuff off my mind first, I write better when my mind is clear. I’m so glad I did, I’m good now. Let’s go.

They've been hailed as the best thing since interdental brushes; and Canada’s exciting soul music collective Soul Music City Co-op is continuing to expand and bring exciting soul music back to centre stage where it belongs as the music industry changes and strays wildly from the organic soulful sounds that are at the very core of its foundation. Headed by Mike Hargreaves, an independent soul singer songwriter from Windsor, Ontario who was formerly known as Soul Brother Mike, the highly selective and sophisticated music outfit, which currently has 8 amazing singer songwriters on its roster was formed just over 3 years ago, back in January 2020. Soul Music City Co-op offers an alternative model to that of the traditional record label and artists retain 100% of their earnings. This week they announced that they are looking for their next big act, and they are inviting artists in and around Windsor, Ontario, Canada to get in touch. The music submission link is available below.

Thanks for reading. Do you feel that feeling of enlightenment I promised you? I know you do, in fact I feel it too. Now go on out there into the world and be somebody! See you tomorrow.

 

Music News: Fall From Grace | Music Discovery XO

UPCOMING RELEASES

ROCK NEWS

17-01-2023 15:08 GMT

FALL FROM GRACE

Music industry update | New York, USA | Indie artist, Frank Palangi

I thank you for coming here to celebrate this wonderful day with me. You could be anywhere on the internet right now but you chose to be here with me, to share this special moment - me writing and you reading. I'm all warm and tingly inside right now. I'm so excited to have you here. You're so amazing. Thanks for that. 

"What are we celebrating today and why is this such a wonderful day?", I sense you are asking. And I'll tell you. Every day is wonderful, every day is special, and every day must be celebrated. Don't ask why, just believe me, mkay? Good girl ("patting you on the head"). 

Okay let's get started. 

To be honest with you, you're not gonna like this article very much. I just got back from holiday and everything in the real world now kind of sort of totally sucks ass!! Where are all the tanned, muscular, well hung oiled up men in mankinis bringing me really dirty martinis and rubbing sunscreen on my buttocks? Oops!! I mean my back. Where's all the sunshine? Why is nobody coming to massage me when I ring the bell? Why isn't someone checking to see if I've finished my martini? Where the F* is my chariot? WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON TODAY, HUH?!!!

OMG I'm sorry... 

"Deep breaths, deep breaths..."

I totally almost lost it there, but I'm good now. 

But that's not just why you probably won't like this article.. The other reason is because, like many of the articles I write it's got a lot of sex stuff in it. Well not a lot, but enough to make you cringe a little bit. I've been getting so many complaints from the editors. Some of them even have Cardi B's "Freak" song blaring through their office speakers and are watching Nicki Minaj eat bananas really slowly on MTV while they're telling me that sh*t - can you believe it? What a bunch of hypocrites right?

Many of my readers too complain about the same thing and I tell them plainly, “if you find it disgusting or offensive, just stop reading it!”. Yet time and time again, they come back here with that Britney Spears song “Ooops!! I Did It Again” playing in the back of their minds and they don’t even know it. I never liked the title of that song – seemed like something someone who mistakenly pooped in their pants would say. I’ve been hearing it everywhere I go lately, I think my following must be growing, he-he-he (cha-ching!!). 

Just for the record, I'm a lady okay? I've never eaten a banana, I don't have any tattoos, I always wear a bra and I change my tampons very regularly. I know you feel like you didn't need to know the last part, sorry – you’ll discover why I said it later. 

I met Jay-Z last night after a concert and was about to take a picture with him when he threw up that dirty sign that Millennial boys make with their hands when they are, em ... in the words of Charlie Harper, "barbecuing alone". I jumped back and screamed out loud, "man! get that thing out of the air before one of these nasty teenagers comes over here and tries to put their willie in it or something!". He totally didn't understand and just looked at me like a total weirdo as I backed away quickly and fearfully, looking around frantically like I had just seen a ghost or something. I admit I overreacted a little bit. It's just that I have nightmares about Millennials all the time and they never end well. As I backed away with my hands frantically feeling around behind me to make sure I didn't bump into anything, I bumped into Beyoncé and my hand mistakenly felt around her crouch area. I apologised and left quickly. I'm not gay, but I totally didn't hate that last part at all...

Okay I loved it alright?! It was Beyoncé for God's sake. Sue me!! 

At this point I can sense that you have become curious. You've put your hands in the air like Jay does and then gradually moved it towards your crouch area and made a jerking back and forth motion or two to try to get the picture. I can also sense that you've got a smile on your face now, you can't believe you just did that and are looking around to make sure no one saw you. You are slightly disgusted and embarrassed that you entertained the idea, but you totally get it now. Remember those guys at the gym that had one arm that looked like Popeye after he had eaten spinach and the other arm that looked like it needed work? Yep, they'd been doing it wrong all along. You don't see many of them around anymore do you? Why do you think that is so? They've been listening to Jay-z - They know! Now you know too. I had to find out the hard way after walking in on one of my interns while he was practicing the same technique late at the office one night when he thought everyone had gone home. And no, he doesn't work here anymore. Consider yourself lucky to have learned about it the easy way, by me telling you. You're welcome! 

See? I’m not all bad. You might think I’m rambling about disgusting things sometimes but there is always a moral of the story (or two) written down on a piece of paper in front of me when I write and they will reveal themselves when you least expect it. Would you like to know what is written down on the piece of paper in front of me today? Of course you do. And I’ll tell you. I’ve got a blue sticky note in front of me. The text on the sticky note reads, “A man without a smile shouldn’t open a shop”. And it’s got a smiley face at the bottom of it. It's a saying Chinese people say. It sounds better in Chinese. (Coming to think of it, it seems like everything sounds better in Chinese. Hmn... 🤔)

To cut a long story short, my goal today was to make you smile so that you can attract prosperity and all the good things you deserve so much because you're so awesome. I think you did when you put Jay’s sign in your crouch and imagined you were a teenage boy who just logged onto Pornhub after a hard day's work swiping and double tapping and doing dirty things with strangers all over the neighbourhood with Tinder. But guess what? There’s a second sticky note underneath. I won’t tell you what’s written on it yet, or if in fact there is anything written on it. Oh by the way, did you know what that sign Jay-z makes with his hands means? Of course you do, but I’ll tell you anyway – it’s the all-seeing eye, the third eye. If you didn’t know, well now you know. Too bad I just told you what Millennials are doing with it – now every time you go into alpha mode you’d have to first annihilate any notorious imaginings of horny teenagers trying to stick their willies in your eye ‘cos they’ve run out of good places to put it, he-he-he. Oops!! Sorry.

Anyway where were we?

Ah yes, the independent music news story of the day. I know – finally, right?

After just over a year since the release of his latest record - the critically acclaimed self-titled 6 track EP, Frank Palangi V; New York independent solo rock sensation Frank Palangi has announced the release date of his next project. In this new age of the music industry when fans start to desperately crave new music by their favourite artist as little as a day after new music by their favourite artist is released, it is very welcome news.  One year is a very long time to wait for a new record nowadays, in fact it almost feels like it’s been ten years.  I’ve been following this story closely and checking my emails for updates so long that I started to hear that rock anthem “I Predict a Riot” by Kaiser Cheifs playing in the back of my head every time I checked and found nothing. Are music fans getting too aggressive with their insatiable desires for louder sounds and demands for new music? Do you feel like they are the ones destroying the music industry? To be honest with you, I think so; but who am I to judge? I am old school, I only want good music, not just any music. That’s why I follow Frank and I never listen to Kanye West. Well now you know, there’s a new track on the way – you’re happy, I’m happy, everybody wins. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy! The new song, which is titled “Fall From Grace” is scheduled for release around the end of March and will be available to pre-save and pre-order on Spotify and Apple Music two weeks before the official release date. The specific dates will be provided as they become available. 

Now, would you like to know what was written on that second sticky note I spoke of earlier on in the article? Of course you do. And here it goes: “good things come to those who wait”. I know, “WTF” right? All this knowledge in one day, sheesh!!!

But seriously, I’m not just telling you that because you were patient and got the good news about the new independent rock release you’d been waiting for. I’m telling you this for a bigger purpose. Sometime during the course of your day, week or even month; maybe even later in the year, you’ll be presented with a crucial opportunity to exercise patience. You’ll be ready because I've prepared you, and you’ll get that thing you’ve been asking for. Your third eye - your all-seeing eye, asked me to send you this message. 

And oh, lest I forget - I didn’t really meet Jay-z and Beyoncé last night. It was a group of new (but really good) rappers I met that for some reason decided to throw up the sign. I’ve never met Jay-z, but I knew you'd get the picture quicker if I said it was him. 

I need to change my tampon now. Oops!! I mean powder my nose. All this talk about Beyoncé has got me soaked to be honest. I'm not gay I promise. My favourite Beyoncé Christmas song is "Put a Sock On It", that's totally not gay. 

 Have a wonderful day. 

7 Ways to Set Your Inner Demons Free

NEW MUSIC

SYNTHPOP NEWS

08-01-2023 19:41 GMT

7 WAYS TO SET YOUR INNER DEMONS FREE

Music industry update | California, USA | Indie artist, Megan Mcduffee

Have you ever tried to catch a chicken? Or to catch anything at all that knows it’s so delicious? Imagine how many people would be more active members of society if we all had to catch and kill our own food. How many people do you know in your life right now that you can tell have tons of potential but won’t do anything with it or let anyone know they have it until they are sure they will succeed? Either because they’ve tried too many times, they know it’s really hard or because they’ve been brainwashed into thinking they need to be special to win and hence they don’t deserve it. So many right? Well imagine if there was a way you could get them active and make them feel like they’re ready to take on the world - for the very first time, or once again. There is! A limited edition vinyl of the critically acclaimed record “Inner Demons” by Megan McDuffee is currently shipping again and word on the street is if you play this amazing 10 track album backwards on repeat 7 times you can defeat your inner demons and break free from everything that has been holding you back all your life. If it’s not you who needs it, get it for that someone you know or someone who may come into your life in the future who could use it. Remember, it’s only available for a limited time. 

Disclaimer: it may not work 😊.

...okay, you don't look happy at all right now. Something tells me you rushed over here with some real problems and some really bad demons you seriously need to get rid of. So I'll give you one way to get rid of your inner demons okay? The most important way. It's just one word but it's the most powerful word in the world. It's my answer to almost every question and my proposed solution to every problem. 

There is a little riddle on my office door buzzer. I put it there to keep people away when I'm busy - It works! 

The riddle reads:

What is the missing word in the following sentence?

"The door of success is heavy and hard to open, let's _______ it together. "

A. Push

B. Kick

C. Kiss

Most people choose A or B, the answer is C. No one ever gets buzzed in and when they call my phone I pick it up and pretend it's the answering machine if it's not Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus, Christina Milian, Hillary Clinton or someone I really want to meet, he-he-he. 

The easiest way to find success is to attract it. You don't need hunt it down, or trick it into submission, or get really aggressive and make it your bitch, or push really hard, or "kick in the door waving the 44", or destroy all the competition. You can definitely try especially if you've got big muscles, but if it doesn't work you can easily attract it by being really awesome and loving yourself - your amazing (successful) self. Love is attraction. If I was ever met with a metaphorical or actual door of success, I would kiss it. Why? Because I'm always focused on being my best self and doing my best work - if a door of success shows up, it would simply be a manifestation of my best self (my success). And just like I do the bathroom mirror every morning when I say "good morning" to myself, I would kiss it - I would kiss ME (success).  What would you do? Tweet @SkunkRadioLive. 

So let me tell you the number one way of getting rid of your demons - LOVE. Love them like you love every other part of your being because they are YOURS. YOU created them somehow, or allowed them to come into existence in your world somehow, and they are a part of you. Albeit a part you don't like but nevertheless a part of you. And don't worry if they came about owing to circumstance beyond your control - they are yours now and that's all that matters. Once you've fallen in love with the most disgusting, hardest-to-love side of you, you would have become a better person and be in a better position to change it than if you had spent hours trying to beat it down with a hammer. Another keyword here is CHANGE. What you are really trying to do is change your demons, I suspect - not get rid of them. I don't know about you but if I had a bad child for example, I would try to change him/her/they, not get rid of them. So there you have it. LOVE first, the rest will come to you mkay? Have you ever heard the song "Do for Love" by Tupac? I never really understood or liked the track - the beat just didn't sit well with me. Plus it reminded me so much of something a famous notorious American gangster used to say - "Do for Self", and I'm not a gangster. When I discovered love, I realised that song had been silently playing away in the back of my mind since the very day I heard it. Now, I never go anywhere without my mistletoe and a ChapStick. 

Mwah! That's what that meant. 💋

Have a wonderful day. 

With love!

 

... more sex stuff

NEW MUSIC

SOUL NEWS

08-01-2023 17:27 GMT

BIG HORNY BLUES

Music industry update | California, USA | Indie singer songwriter, Ava Lemert

Sometime last year, I saw a headline on a very popular music website that I will not name, and not because I think their writers totally suck ass obviously. The headline read “Jay Z and Blue Ivy Carter Have Father Daughter Date at NBA Finals”. Yep, writers read stuff written by other writers. How would we know when we’ve become the best if we didn’t know how crap others were? The headline was just as cliché and tacky as it was annoying and cringe-worthy. Father-Daughter date? WTF!! Yuk, yuk, yuk. Those three words should never be used next to each other in a sentence ever - not in this sick, twisted, sex-crazed world we live in today. Not sure what whoever wrote that article was thinking but the word “date” instantaneously gets me aroused and excited in ways that completely annihilate the words "daughter" and "father" from my vocabulary for the 3 minutes that immediately ensue. As far as I’m concerned a date is just a sex interview between two adults and at least one person on every single date is hoping to get lucky. If I’m on a date with you, you can bet your last penny I’ve got lube, 2 condoms, mace – in case I change my mind and I’ve already got you going; a pink feather (for tickling of course – you know, to find your sweet spot); 2 dildos (only sometimes); and my underwear will probably melt away if the date lasts longer that 45 minutes because it’s made of liquorish or chocolate. Yes, I’m a total slut alright – sue me for trying to have a good time every once in a while! But that wasn’t the point. My point was that many of these writers out there need to step their games up and start writing less cliché headlines that read like they took less than 30 seconds and were a no-brainer to come up with. If I wrote that story the headline would be something like “Tell Those Teenage Horn Dogs to Quit Staring Before I Come Over There and Smack Them. And Take Their Hats Too.” See how catchy and exciting that was? And it even made sense too. Damn it I’m good! Thanks for thinking it but I know, I’m the best. That’s why I’ll never write for Pop Sugar, or even the New Yorker. Yuk, yuk, yuk, such nerds, he-he-he. Just kidding of course, I love New York. But their apples are too big, let’s be honest – who is eating them, giants? 

Okay let’s dive straight into this music news story, the one we’re both here to discuss; and the one that will hopefully get us to our next passionately explosive moment of musical ecstasy. Wait, that’s what you came here for right? Cool, glad we’re on the same track. (See what I did there? Same "TRACK"? I told you I was good.) 

The critically acclaimed 2022 single “Big Horn Blues” by California, US based independent saxophonist and singer songwriter Ava Lemert has been receiving a lot of love lately and I just wanted to share it with you so that you can also share it with others and we can all have one big party across the globe listening to it at the same time during Ava’s next live streamed concert, which takes place every Friday night. Yes, I changed the title a little bit to make the headline a little more catchy and to attract a sizeable chunk of the millions of horny teenagers that make the internet smell funny but feel so alive at the same time. 

I used to be such an integrous writer, but to be honest it got me nowhere so I decided to resort to sneaky writing practices and talking about sex stuff like most of the other writers do here – and it totally worked. Being the first female writer at the SRL Music News room wasn’t easy. No one ever wanted to publish my work.  They claimed it was drab and too politically correct to get any attention on the Wild Wild Web. After a few months of rejection and a few office parties I started to loosen up and then something happened one day. I had been out with some of the guys for dinner. We had a lot of chicken drumsticks and too much wine. I was a little over tipsy and these words came out of my mouth as I belched loudly with my hand on my belly and my head tilted backwards as if it was too heavy while trying to walk – “Ooooh my God, I’ve got more dark meat inside me than Kim Kardashian.” 

WTF? Where did it come from? Who said that? No one could believe it. The dark rooms, overly liberal atmosphere, casual work environment and carefree attitudes of the SRL News Room had started rubbing off on me. I was becoming a total scumbag – and I loved it! 

The next day when I got into the office one of the guys dropped a pen like they had done every single day since I started working in the news room – and I bent over really slowly so my skirt could ride up a little bit, turned around to watch as all the jaws dropped, smiled and I picked it! Just like that, my best writer was born. I’ve never had an article rejected since. 

The time has come for me to take my career to the next level so I’m going to do something a little drastic. I want to go Kanye West on the literary world and say something really awful about Jewish people so that I too can be the most Googled person on earth. I’ll ease into it casually sometime during the course of my career, not necessarily in this article. Make sure you stop everything you are doing and share it immediately with everyone you know so that I can get in some real trouble and find a way of capitalizing on the bad publicity okay? Thanks. 

Now where were we? 

Ah yes, Ava’s song. 

Released during the earlier part of last year, “Big Horn Blues” is just one of several highly praised independent soul records that got the genre’s fans and critics excited again. Ava is one of those artists that never seizes to amaze. She pushes the limits every time, and every new song draws her closer to the hearts of her very loyal fan base, who have stuck with her through the ten plus years of her illustrious independent music career. Ava’s next weekly live stream is coming up, so make sure you tune in and request “Big Horn Blues”. 

Now,

Did you really think I was going to say something bad about Jewish people? Come on! I’d never do any such think, not even for a billion likes. I love Sarah Silverman too much, she’s so cute and huggable, and her butt is so small. I'm pretty sure she has the smallest vagina ever made. I’m not gay at all but I sometimes totally have fantasies about having a sleepover with her and shaving her big bush when she falls asleep. 

Just for the record, I love Jews okay? Jesus is so cool and he always gives me money.