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How to Turn Water to Wine - Part 1



09-01-2024 23:36 GMT


Indie Music Press Releases (January 2024) - Discover the best emerging, underground & upcoming Alternative Rock artists, bands & labels with news updates announcing the latest music releases, live events/gigs, concert/tour dates, & other entertainment stories, articles & headlines from your favorite indie Alternative Rock performers & entertainers daily on SRL News.
Music industry update | Illinois, USA | Indie band, Elliott Waits For No One

The real title of this article is “How to Turn Water to Wine - Part 1”. Shhh! Don't tell anybody. Look in the browser address bar and you’ll see it. The second title just above the photo inside the page relates to the music news story we’ll be exploring today during the course of this article, while turning water to wine. If that’s confusing, this article may be too complex for you, please don’t read it if you haven't noticed that there are two parts to everything around you and each has a beginning and an end, a future and a past, a front and a back, a left and a right, a top and a bottom, and inside and an outside, and so on and so forth. 

I had a dream last night. It was weird and felt really real. I felt really positive and refreshed, almost accomplished even, yet ever so awkward when I woke up. It was almost like that recurring one where I have really passionate, hot, steamy sex that ends before the actual sex, with my high school sweetheart - the one that got away; but even realer. I met Jesus and we were talking casually for a really long time. But all he said to me was, “ALWAYS wear your best underwear”. I looked at the crucifix on the white gold rosary that I wear every day and noticed, as if for the first time that what he was wearing looked very much like a diaper and was certainly not his best underwear. I thought that was what he was talking about, so I nodded, and chuckled a bit like a total idiot. That wasn't what he was talking about. As I was waking up, he slapped me softly but really firmly and said, “don’t think you idiot! FEEL!!”. To cut a long story short, I’m wearing my brand new Calvin Klein microfibre briefs today, the ones I keep for when I KNOW I’m getting lucky for sure, that sits right beside my double ribbed extra-thin condoms, my pink feather, my edible thong, handcuffs, lime green mankini, Kim Kardashian poster, KY Jelly, Vaseline and my Stud 100 in my night stand. If you’re wondering why I’ve got KY Jelly AND Vaseline, we’ve got a HUGE problem, and you won’t make it to the end of this article unless we thrash it out right here right now... But let’s not thrash it out, let’s just keep going. 

It took me several months to write this article because I knew you’d be here. Yes YOU, quit looking around silly, YOU. You and I were meant to meet. Right here, right now and we’re doing it; so just let go and let God do his thing, mkay? Quit asking all these questions and just read. Everything you need to know is right here, and by the end of this article, you’ll be really happy, I promise you. Just relax. Okay, let’s go. 

How to turn water to wine… 

Oh snap! I forgot to introduce myself. It’s me, the “Ideas Guy”; but I’m sure you knew that already. If you didn’t, I’m sure you were hoping it was me. You might have read some of my other articles and thought they were awesome but this one is better than awesome, so buckle up. I’ve been writing and rewriting it in my head for several months so you can bet your last dime it’s gonna be deep. In fact, by the end of it you’ll feel like you jumped into a black hole and came out of Kim Kardashian’s butt hole in reverse (get it?). I’m know, awesome right? Anyway, thanks for cumming, it’s a pleasure to have you again. I’m so excited to have you here. No, really. In fact if I get any more excited I might accidentally sh*t myself, and I’m wearing my good trousers today. Not that I would do it if I wasn’t wearing my best pants, or under any circumstance at all – I’m just saying, you make me feel so special every time you come to my little playground. Or wait, should I say my vast mine field? Yep, I think I should say that. If you’ve been here before you’ll know why I’m saying that. It’s because at various points during the course of anything I write, you are liable to have your mind blown to shreds. But you won’t stop there, you won’t get hurt either; you’ll get up and keep running through the mine field in ecstasy, looking for the next explosion like a sick, twisted, deranged soldier on PCP. If you haven’t been here before you’d better buckle up, seriously. You won’t be able to unread any of this stuff you are about to read so please leave and come back later with a bottle of Jack and an empty wine bottle – the Jack for me obviously and the empty bottle for you, which is going to be filled with wine at some point in the future. Don’t laugh, this is serious stuff. 

Let’s get right down to it shall we? And don’t worry, we’ll get to the music news story of the day eventually mkay? It’s gonna be HUGE! So consider this your preparation for it. 

I was about to kiss my girlfriend good morning today when I suddenly realized the sneaky bitch had gone and gotten a landing strip thingy while I was asleep or sometime during the time that passed since I kissed it good morning the day before like I do every morning, to say thank you for some of the best after sex cigarettes I’ve ever had. And no, I don’t vape, sorry to disappoint you. In fact I stay away from anything that is not what it is. Like lactose-free milk, non-alcoholic beer, that "I can’t believe it’s not butter" thingy, fat-free anything that normally has fat in it, and; okay I’m sure you know what I mean. I mean for God’s sake, what if I got you a Gucci bag for you birthday and told you it wasn’t Gucci? Or I bought you a car and told you it didn’t drive. I know, totally insane right? Don’t worry, we’re going somewhere with all this, I promise. Oh snap! I forgot to introduce myself, silly me. It’s me again, the “Ideas Guy”. If you’ve been here before you probably already knew because of all the awesome stuff you’ve been reading, I know. I’ve totally been getting all the work around here and it doesn’t look like anything is gonna change anytime soon. At this rate, I’m hoping none of the old guys in HR has a heart attack when I ask for my next pay rise 😊 – yes! It’s gonna be huge! And I don’t ask – I DEMAND that sh*t like it’s mine and I’m taking it back. But where were we? Ah yes, the landing strip. At first I saw it and thought nothing of it, but then as I got closer to kiss it I started to feel (and see) like I was about to kiss Hitler on the lips, and he wasn’t moving his face away. I went in for the kiss and pulled back several times, until eventually, I totally lost it and screamed out “NEVER!”, and got the hell out of there. To cut a long story short, I was the first in the office today and I wasn’t even planning to come in at all. Glad I came though, ‘cos you’re here; AND there’s a new receptionist wearing a really short skirt so I’ve been calling her into my office to help me fax stuff to myself and dropping my pencils on purpose so she can moon me. In a very innocent SFW way obviously, I’m not a perv, I promise 😊.

So anyway I’m here being awesome once again and like I said before, we’re going to talk about how to turn water to wine. Believe it or not, somehow, by the end of this article I GUARANTEE YOU, we’re both gonna be drinking wine and we’re not buying it from a store like all those other suckers. We’ll make that sh*t from water, just like Jesus did. And most importantly, we won’t tell anybody else how to do it mkay? This it top secret. I’m trusting you, don’t screw up. 

Unfortunately there is a catch. The catch is that I won’t actually give you the exact steps. I’ll say things, and you’ll figure it out by yourself because you are so intelligent. I’ll tell you a few parables here and there, mention a few ingredients here and there, and eventually, you WILL figure out how to do it by yourself. I’ve already mentioned a few of them. “Only wear your best underwear (always prepare for the best outcome – in my case, getting lucky 😊)”; “Don’t think! FEEL!! (always feel like you are at your best)”, the Gucci bag that wasn’t Gucci (the most important of all – being Gucci or NOT Gucci doesn’t change what it is – A BAG); demanding my pay rise like it’s mine and I’m taking it back (ask nicely and you may receive – demand it like it’s yours and you WILL receive); having both KY Jelly AND Vaseline (it’s because the jelly must run out eventually - every beginning has an end that is just as important as itself); and oh, did you notice I introduced myself twice? Aha! And I may even do it again. It’s weird, but there’s a reason (the same reason Christians say “Jesus is Lord” all the time, when they’ve already said it many times, and will do so many more times in the future).

I’ve been told my articles are too long too many times this year already and this is my first one this year, so rather than make this one full-length article, let’s spread it out over a few news stories okay?

Don’t worry they’ll all follow each other in the news column and they’ll all link back to each other so you can find them easily. 

Now, let’s explore the news story of the day shall we? 

“Until the Last Leaf Falls” the new single by Illinois, US alternative rock band Elliott Waits For No One was released to critical acclaim just in time to usher in 2024. It follows just over 2 months since their previous release, “Time Loop”, which, like most of their releases was hailed for its authenticity and originality. Critics have had nothing but good things to say about it. We’ll also be reviewing it on SRL Reviews in the coming weeks. It is available to stream and download on Spotify, Apple Music and all top digital music streaming platforms. 

So there you have it, another exciting indie music story to get you through the day. See you again next time.  And don’t forget to "always wear your best underwear" in 2024. Happy New Year! 
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